Chaotic. That's a good word to describe my weekend. It began on Friday afternoon as I was driving home on Rt. 50. Someone rear-ended me. Thankfully, I was fine, and so was my trusty Saturn. I thought I had been hit fairly hard, but apparently a plastic bumper tends to resist damage.
On to the Brahms Requiem Friday night. From an audience standpoint- it was decent. A couple of shaky moments where the wheels almost came off the bus, but nothing terribly noticeable. From my standpoint- terrible. I was in a bad frame of mind to start with because of where I was standing, and I had created such high expectations for this performance being enjoyable. It was not fun for me at all. I have never been so ready for a concert that I'm performing in to be over. The ladies in front of me were always flat and behind the tempo. One woman held over into almost every rest. It was frustrating, considering the drama that had gone on the night before.
On to Saturday. I shopped with my mom and tried to have a relaxing day. More than anything, I just wanted Saturday night's performance to be over. 30 minutes before it was time to leave, I was desperately searching through my closets for both of my long black skirts. I couldn't find either of them. It was frustrating not because I wanted to wear them, but because I was afraid I had given $150 of black skirt away to Goodwill! Finally, after getting flustered and annoyed, I found them clinging to another set of skirts in the closet. I put on the skirt and resigned myself to singing the last night of the Brahms.
When it was time to sing, an amazing thing happened. I had such low expectations of the evening and the concert (Friday night was such a frustrating experience that I was convinced Saturday would not be fun), that I didn't really care what was going on around me. As the bad singing started to fade away and this strange energy started to envelop the chorus, I actually began to enjoy myself and the music. By the second movement, for the first time since I performed this piece 5 years ago, I was into singing it. It was no longer about notes and rhythms, but the character of the piece. I think the audience enjoyed it as well. It seemed much better than Friday evening.
I think a pre-concert prayer helped as well. A few of us gathered to just pray...specifically for us to not be concerned with ourselves, but with His plan for the piece. I prayed for peace and joy, and finally during the 2nd movement, that came. The lesson I learned this weekend is that I have to stop putting expectations on my enjoyment of concerts and performing, and stop trying so hard to enjoy them. If it's meant to happen, it will.
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