Anonymity

I spent my lunch today reading blog posts that were exchanged through BlogSecret, a blogosphere project where bloggers anonymously wrote a secret they have been carrying around and didn't feel they could post on their own blog. While reading these posts, I became a little jealous and wished that I had participated.

Not that I have any really juicy secrets. I'm kind of a boring person in that sense. I haven't done anything shocking in my life, I'm pretty normal, and my opinions on life are fairly run of the mill. But, there is a part of me that wishes my blog was completely anonymous. That I could write about all kinds of things on an anonymous blog that I can't on this one because most people who read my blog know who I am IRL (In real life- for my non internet-speak readers). Things like my real thoughts on politics, dating experiences, issues with friends...there is something quite cathartic about writing anonymously. When I first started my blog on xanga 4 years ago, the only people who read it were strangers. It was easier then to be honest, because I knew that I would likely never meet these folks. Now, well, I know my family reads my blog, friends around the country read my blog, and I occasionally have random visitors who don't know me IRL.

**Warning..I'm going to get a little vulnerable below...proceed at your own risk!**

I think the reason I'm not completely forthcoming about things on the blog is that I am a people-pleaser. Even when I pretend to make decisions based on my own thoughts and feelings, I know a huge part of me is looking for approval from others in those decisions. I feel like I have grown up a lot in the 4 years that I've lived away from SC, not just because I moved away, but also because I've spent the last part of my twenties here...which is where many of us mature a lot anyway. Some of the decisions I've made in the past two years would have been unfathomable to me 5 years ago. I think I had a narrow view of what my life should look like, and made decisions based on the little box of values and ideals that I had created for my life. If something was outside of the box, it was out of the question.

In the past two years, I've made some decisions that have taken me outside of the box. I've matured a lot, and the person I am is very different from who I thought I was. I'm still fundamentally the same- I love Jesus, I want to see His Kingdom advanced in the world, I'm seeking God's Will for my life, my theology is the same...but practically, these things are manifesting themselves in ways that I could never have thought of 4 years ago. I'm outside of the conservative evangelical box that I built for myself, and I think that God is teaching me a lot through being oustside of the box. During the years I lived "in the box", I thought I was a very analytical introvert. Surprise! I'm really more of an extrovert...although I am pretty analytical. I saw God as giving me very strict rules to live by...and I always felt like I never measured up. I understand His grace so much more now because I don't feel bound by the rules and behaviors that I thought I was supposed to have. I feel free...and I think that was His intention for me all along...it just took a peek outside of the box for me to see it.

There is a part of me that is afraid that those who knew me when I was inside the box will be disappointed that I have not followed the traditional "in the box" path. That because my life isn't centered around a church or full-time ministry...I will be seen as someone who has "fallen away". Because that is so far from the truth. I think I love God more now than I ever did before...simply because I have seen His hand in my life in so many ways and I've learned so much by just knowing Him and not trying to make my life look like the cookie-cutter single Christian girl. My idea of a perfect evening is sitting around with friends drinking wine on our deck (or in the kitchen in the winter), discussing life. Those friends may or may not share my spiritual beliefs. I like to discuss my beliefs with them, and listen as they share what they believe. That to me is more fulfilling these days than sitting around with women who believe the same thing that I do...patting each other on the back for believing what we do, and lamenting the sad state of the world. That last statement isn't meant to be offensive...it just describes some situations that I've found myself in and what I sometimes think is expected of me as a "single Christian woman".

I guess I just long to look to God for His approval, and not the approval of man. I believe that I am living my life the way He intends for me to...and I pray that I will continue to mature and be able to hold to that and have Him be my only concern.

Anyway...for those of you who stuck with this post- thanks! See, I guess I can use this blog to write cathartically even though I'm not anonymous!