What Do You Do When Something You Used to Love is No Longer Fun?

I think most of you know how important music is to me, and that I sing in a chorus. What I haven't written about recently are my feelings about singing in the chorus. I used to love it, it fulfilled my need to make music, etc. But somehow, in the past year, the week or so before each concert has brought so much stress on me. Not because of the music, but because of all the weird details that surround a concert week. The details of who stands where and what that means, who sings what and what that means, who is standing next to me and how that affects the way that I sing, etc. And those details, for me, have overshadowed the joy I have in making music and have made it not fun. Not fun to the point that I am questioning whether continuing to sing in the chorus past this season is best for me.

I received an email from a friend the other day mentioning how much she missed singing during our week break after the last concert. She actually went as far to say that part of the reason she had been a bit depressed during the week was because she hadn't been able to sing. And that she was very much looking forward to rehearsal that evening.

I remember when I used to feel that way! When the evenings we had rehearsal were the highlight of my week. But now, I wouldn't say that I dread rehearsal evenings, but I don't look forward to them. And the joy I get from the music doesn't outweigh the stress that arrives the week of a concert. Why can't I enjoy myself anymore?

I think it has to do with the fact that I care TOO much. Investing 5+ of my evening hours a week in something means it begins to take on a lot of value. And I feel very invested in the final product. Somehow, it's become more about the details, social balances, and politics of the chorus than about the music...and I hate that. I'd love to be able to just drop all of that, not care about those things, and simply work hard to make music. Unfortunately, it clearly is not that easy.

I don't know the answer to any of my questions, but I do know that I'll be thinking long and hard this summer about how to continue to sing, but step back from the messiness that seems to surround the group I'm in at the moment. I want it to be only about the music, not about the other things that stress me out.

And yes, I know the ultimate answer is to have an eternal perspective about this. Believe me, I've been working on that too...but just as soon as I think I have that going for me...it's gone and the stress comes back. Argh.