My Struggles with Anxiety: The Mental/Emotional Aspect

**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I hope what I share about my experiences will help others.  To keep my thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of categories.  Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on forever!  If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**

***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety.  My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different.  If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***

For me, dealing with the mental and emotional aspect of anxiety has been the most difficult.  I think it is for most people, as the mind and emotions are so complicated.  Not just complicated in the sense of the reason for the anxiety, but the mental and emotional reaction to the reality of anxiety.  I am blessed to have a close friend who is a counselor that has been willing to talk to me at any time that I needed her during this season.  Don't get me wrong, my counselor is great...but I only see her once a week.  There have been times where I just needed a professional to assure me that what I was feeling is normal with anxiety, and that I would be ok.  One thing she mentioned to me really struck a chord...that we often feel so much defeat with anxiety.

It has taken me a full year to accept that I struggle with anxiety.  I spent the first 9 months of that year trying to figure out what was physically wrong with me that was causing my anxiety.  I mean, it couldn't be my thoughts, right?  Couldn't be how I was wired.  Only weak people are anxious.  Ha. Even when I started taking medication, I expected it to be a magic pill.  Take medication, and poof!  No anxiety.  Oh, how I wish that was the case!

Now, if I think about the serotonin levels...then I know there is something physically wrong with me.  But there is still a stigma around "brain chemical" issues.  I wanted to have some kind of disease that a doctor would find and say, "Oh!  That's why you are anxious! Let's fix it." And it would all be better.  I feel like accepting the title of "anxious person" means that I am weak, and not trusting God, and unhappy.  I always laugh when someone says, "Oh, you just need to relax.".  If only they knew how desperately I want to relax when I am anxious.

For me, I think my anxiety manifesting itself in this way occurred for a number of reasons...kind of a Perfect Storm.  In the span of a year and a half, I got engaged, bought a house, planned a wedding, got married, moved to Baltimore, and had my husband of 3 months in the hospital with a major infection.  Stressful stuff!  Plus, I was out most nights of the week, while he was gone, too.  I have learned, that for me, I need some down time.  If I don't process what I am dealing with mentally, then it builds up and all comes out in the form of anxiety.  I never had time to process any of my major life changes because I was maintaining this crazy schedule.  So, when I slowed down each summer (last year and this year), the anxiety caught up with me.  Because of this, I've cut back my schedule this year in the hopes that I will be able to have more time to process things instead of letting them build up and cause anxiety.

When I am having a non-physical anxious hour or day (not the panic..just the anxiety), the hardest part is that everything I look at or think about is colored by the anxious thoughts.  It is hard to let them go.  I look at a beautiful sunset and think, "that's nice, but what if my God doesn't exist and didn't create that".  Or I think about a fun event coming up and think, "But what if I get anxious that day?".  It doesn't seem like anything I normally like will make me happy.  Those times are the hardest, because they feel hopeless.

When I am having those times (and they are becoming fewer and far between), the only thing that helps is telling myself that it will pass.  Because it does.  I know that is one of the differences between anxiety and depression.  Depression often doesn't pass...and I can't imagine that.  It must be SO difficult!  Another one of the good things I have learned from this anxiety is to just REVEL in the good times.  When I am feeling good (which is most of the time now), I don't take it for granted anymore.  I am so joyful and thankful, which I never was before.  I just thought being happy and adjusted and joyful was what everyone felt.  Now, on most days, I wake up happy to be alive.  It's kind of like the rainy days that make the beautiful sunny ones that much better.  On the good days, I'm living my life in what feels like a much more joyful and abundant way.  I'm just, well, happy.  And relaxed.  And thankful.

I know I still have a long way to go mentally and emotionally with this anxiety, but I feel like finally accepting it has been a big step.  Yes, I am an anxious person, and that is ok.  It doesn't change how God sees me (He already knew anyway!), my husband loves me no matter what, and my friends have all been so supportive during this time.  I'm still ME.  My personality is the same as it has always been.  I'm starting to be able to laugh at some of my anxious thoughts, and I think that is good.  It helps put everything in perspective. :)