"Grow Where You are Planted"

As I began to explore some of the environmental reasons for my anxiety, I began to realize that since I've been married, I haven't really felt like my home is my home.  Sure, J and I own a house...yes, I clean it...yes I spend lots of time in it (not as much as I'd like)...but my house and my city (Baltimore) didn't feel like home.  They were places that I spent some time and slept, but not where I felt I could relax.  I noticed this most when I would spend time at my old home in Annapolis and feel completely relaxed.  So I started praying and thinking about how I could make my home feel more like, well, my Home.

As I began to think and pray about this, the phrase that kept being pressed on my mind and heart was "Grow where you are planted".  When J and I were married, I quickly uprooted my "home life" and moved it to Baltimore.  But I still spent a lot of my free time in Annapolis.  Chorus, church, social life...all based in Annapolis.  And then I would drive home at night to sleep.  Baltimore is a tough city for running errands, so I even often did my grocery shopping in Annapolis.  If I think about my plant analogy, it's like I pulled up my deep roots from Annapolis and never replanted them in Baltimore.  I just kept transplanting myself on a daily or weekly basis, without giving myself the opportunity to put down roots and grow where I've been planted.

I really love Baltimore (you can read about my initial thoughts on the city here), so I don't think that is the issue.  We just don't know each other very well yet.  I know how to get to and from my house in the city...to and from J's workplace...to and from a few friend's houses...but that is about it.  I can go to the grocery store, and get downtown to the movie theater.  So I want to do some exploring in the city this winter...learn about new neighborhoods, and just spend time getting to know Baltimore more intimately.

I also want to be a part of seeing the city transformed.  Baltimore has a reputation as a gritty, violent city (just watch the Wire...some parts of it are pretty darn accurate), but for all of that there are some wonderful people and places here.  As I was thinking and praying about making the City feel more like my home, I had the opportunity to attend a Ravens Game (you can read my recap here).  I was meeting friends at the game, so I rode the light rail down to the stadium by myself.  As I was getting ready to purchase a ticket, a young-ish guy handed me his all-day pass and said, "Don't buy a ticket..this is one is good for the rest of the day!".  I wondered if there was some catch or he was playing a joke on me (isn't it sad that in our day and time that is the first thing we think at the sign of kindness from a stranger?).  Then, I sat next to an older man on the light rail and we chatted about the city and the game and football.  While we were on the crowded train, I saw a young man in a Ravens jersey jump up to give his seat to two older ladies who got on.  Then, at the game, I was overwhelmed with the spirit of community that a city can feel because of its sports teams.  I think we are all longing for a sense of community, and Baltimore has the potential for a great one.  These glimpses really began to soften my heart towards the city...all while I was praying and pondering about growing where I am planted.

As I began to explore opportunities in my neighborhood to get involved in community development, I had to laugh at God's timing and sense of humor.  One of the main community gathering spots in my "transitional" neighborhood is a resident-run community farm.  This space was a vacant lot on one of the druggi-er streets in the neighborhood that some residents decided to turn into a community garden.  It started about the time we moved into our house, and has become a full on farm with a hoop house and even a CSA.  Because of my busy schedule I haven't really had a chance to visit or volunteer yet, but I want to make it a priority as my schedule slows down for the winter. Growing where I am planted, indeed!

Then, I decided to attend a church in my neighborhood that has sent us fliers in the past.  It seems like a really solid church and is very involved in the community.  While I'm not sure that I can tear up the roots I've planted at my current church in Annapolis, I enjoyed the service and I'd love to get involved in their work in the community.  Maybe I will eventually switch churches...but as I've learned with my anxiety, it's best to not make lots of changes at once!  The name of this church...The Garden!  Yes, Lord...I'm getting the point!  Grow where I am planted!

I often think that getting married and moving to a new city would have been much easier had I moved somewhere further away....where I couldn't be involved in my previous social life, church, chorus, etc.  To have uprooted myself and had to immediately put down new roots.  But I don't think that was God's plan for me, as I've learned much about myself, my husband, my friends, and my God through this process.  I'm not through all of the hard parts yet, but I'm hoping that by forcing my roots to grow deeper in Baltimore and feeding my spiritual, mental, and physical being that the city and my home there will continue to feel more and more like my Home on this earth.

The Implications of a Schedule

Last week, I was in my Google Calendar account creating a shared calendar for one of my singing groups.  There are only about 10 of us, so having 2 or even 1 person absent from rehearsal makes a big difference.  We all have busy lives, so a Google Calendar seemed the way to go to be sure we can schedule rehearsals at times that work for everyone.  J and I both share our Google calendars with each other...and looking at this week (which is actually a "light" week), made my head spin a bit. We even have a "Quality Time" calendar that we share to make sure that we don't fill up any "free" time that we both have with something that isn't together.  We have to get pretty detailed on the Quality Time calendar...for example last Sunday had "Quality Time" blocked off for "Crock Pot Roast and Football".  I mean, does anyone else have to schedule their unstructured time?  I imagine most couples just have time at home together on the weekends naturally.  It's a bit ridiculous...yet it is the life I've chosen.

I thought back to a time not so long ago when I desperately wanted a busier schedule.  In my early to mid-twenties, I thought a busy schedule indicated a good, happy, and fulfilled life.  I would pull out my paper planner and color code my scheduled activities in my planner (work=red, singing=blue, and so on).  Having activities 2 nights a week besides going home, eating a frozen pizza and watching TV seemed like the greatest thing!

I have to be completely honest and say part of me longs for those days.  Life seemed simpler...and I was oh-so-organized.  Some of that time also coincided with my 2 years living by myself in a one bedroom apartment in Annapolis.  I would spend weekends color coding the clothes in my closet.  My apartment was always neat as a pin...everything had a place, and everything was virtually always in its place.  And if it wasn't...I put it away before I went to bed.  My music was organized with color coded and labeled tabs.  I filed everything neatly away in my file box.  But while I had all kinds of time to organize and "control" my life...I was really lonely.  I longed for a companion...ultimately a husband...but mostly a friend...someone to eat dinner with, and cook with, and sit and be quiet with.

I got that companion...not in the form of a husband...but a friend and roommate.  And with that, my schedule got busier.  Mostly with social engagements, but other commitments, too.  I had to give up some control of my environment, and that was okay.  Instead of coming home on Friday nights and barely leaving until Monday morning, I was barely home to do more than sleep!

Now that I am married and own a house, the responsibilities are much greater.  3200 square feet with 3 animals and a husband requires much more upkeep than an 800 square foot apartment!  Things get cluttered very quickly.  Dog hair tumbleweeds roll down the hallways.  I do try to do some de-cluttering and organizing, but things are definitely far from neat-as-a-pin.

But...while I miss the feeling of things being ordered and organized...I wouldn't trade my life now for my life then!

Attend an NFL Football Game...Check!

14. Attend an NFL football game

It's been awhile since I checked off one of the items on my "Life List" over there on the right hand side of this blog.  But last Thursday night, I finally attended an NFL football game!  Some friends of mine have season tickets to the Baltimore Ravens.  They were out of town for Thursday night's game...so I got their tickets!  The seats were great...upper deck of the stadium, on the 50 yard line.  We could see the plays forming, but didn't feel too far away from the field.

I was amazed at how different a professional game feels from a college game.  And I've been to some serious college games (Williams-Brice Stadium anyone?  Death Valley, you say?).  But the fans at pro games are INTENSE!  Everyone was totally into the game...very little socializing going on at all.  Also, the players are soo much more athletic than college players.  The time outs are also a lot "slicker".  Meaning the videos were put together well; and the fan chants were a bit more polished.

I really enjoyed it!  Here are few pictures to document this milestone in my life!

The Ravens even have a Marching Band!

Player introductions

View of the stadium from our seats

Happy Page who could use some Make-up!