As I began to explore some of the environmental reasons for my anxiety, I began to realize that since I've been married, I haven't really felt like my home is my home. Sure, J and I own a house...yes, I clean it...yes I spend lots of time in it (not as much as I'd like)...but my house and my city (Baltimore) didn't feel like home. They were places that I spent some time and slept, but not where I felt I could relax. I noticed this most when I would spend time at my old home in Annapolis and feel completely relaxed. So I started praying and thinking about how I could make my home feel more like, well, my Home.
As I began to think and pray about this, the phrase that kept being pressed on my mind and heart was "Grow where you are planted". When J and I were married, I quickly uprooted my "home life" and moved it to Baltimore. But I still spent a lot of my free time in Annapolis. Chorus, church, social life...all based in Annapolis. And then I would drive home at night to sleep. Baltimore is a tough city for running errands, so I even often did my grocery shopping in Annapolis. If I think about my plant analogy, it's like I pulled up my deep roots from Annapolis and never replanted them in Baltimore. I just kept transplanting myself on a daily or weekly basis, without giving myself the opportunity to put down roots and grow where I've been planted.
I really love Baltimore (you can read about my initial thoughts on the city here), so I don't think that is the issue. We just don't know each other very well yet. I know how to get to and from my house in the city...to and from J's workplace...to and from a few friend's houses...but that is about it. I can go to the grocery store, and get downtown to the movie theater. So I want to do some exploring in the city this winter...learn about new neighborhoods, and just spend time getting to know Baltimore more intimately.
I also want to be a part of seeing the city transformed. Baltimore has a reputation as a gritty, violent city (just watch the Wire...some parts of it are pretty darn accurate), but for all of that there are some wonderful people and places here. As I was thinking and praying about making the City feel more like my home, I had the opportunity to attend a Ravens Game (you can read my recap here). I was meeting friends at the game, so I rode the light rail down to the stadium by myself. As I was getting ready to purchase a ticket, a young-ish guy handed me his all-day pass and said, "Don't buy a ticket..this is one is good for the rest of the day!". I wondered if there was some catch or he was playing a joke on me (isn't it sad that in our day and time that is the first thing we think at the sign of kindness from a stranger?). Then, I sat next to an older man on the light rail and we chatted about the city and the game and football. While we were on the crowded train, I saw a young man in a Ravens jersey jump up to give his seat to two older ladies who got on. Then, at the game, I was overwhelmed with the spirit of community that a city can feel because of its sports teams. I think we are all longing for a sense of community, and Baltimore has the potential for a great one. These glimpses really began to soften my heart towards the city...all while I was praying and pondering about growing where I am planted.
As I began to explore opportunities in my neighborhood to get involved in community development, I had to laugh at God's timing and sense of humor. One of the main community gathering spots in my "transitional" neighborhood is a resident-run community farm. This space was a vacant lot on one of the druggi-er streets in the neighborhood that some residents decided to turn into a community garden. It started about the time we moved into our house, and has become a full on farm with a hoop house and even a CSA. Because of my busy schedule I haven't really had a chance to visit or volunteer yet, but I want to make it a priority as my schedule slows down for the winter. Growing where I am planted, indeed!
Then, I decided to attend a church in my neighborhood that has sent us fliers in the past. It seems like a really solid church and is very involved in the community. While I'm not sure that I can tear up the roots I've planted at my current church in Annapolis, I enjoyed the service and I'd love to get involved in their work in the community. Maybe I will eventually switch churches...but as I've learned with my anxiety, it's best to not make lots of changes at once! The name of this church...The Garden! Yes, Lord...I'm getting the point! Grow where I am planted!
I often think that getting married and moving to a new city would have been much easier had I moved somewhere further away....where I couldn't be involved in my previous social life, church, chorus, etc. To have uprooted myself and had to immediately put down new roots. But I don't think that was God's plan for me, as I've learned much about myself, my husband, my friends, and my God through this process. I'm not through all of the hard parts yet, but I'm hoping that by forcing my roots to grow deeper in Baltimore and feeding my spiritual, mental, and physical being that the city and my home there will continue to feel more and more like my Home on this earth.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
The Implications of a Schedule
Last week, I was in my Google Calendar account creating a shared calendar for one of my singing groups. There are only about 10 of us, so having 2 or even 1 person absent from rehearsal makes a big difference. We all have busy lives, so a Google Calendar seemed the way to go to be sure we can schedule rehearsals at times that work for everyone. J and I both share our Google calendars with each other...and looking at this week (which is actually a "light" week), made my head spin a bit. We even have a "Quality Time" calendar that we share to make sure that we don't fill up any "free" time that we both have with something that isn't together. We have to get pretty detailed on the Quality Time calendar...for example last Sunday had "Quality Time" blocked off for "Crock Pot Roast and Football". I mean, does anyone else have to schedule their unstructured time? I imagine most couples just have time at home together on the weekends naturally. It's a bit ridiculous...yet it is the life I've chosen.
I thought back to a time not so long ago when I desperately wanted a busier schedule. In my early to mid-twenties, I thought a busy schedule indicated a good, happy, and fulfilled life. I would pull out my paper planner and color code my scheduled activities in my planner (work=red, singing=blue, and so on). Having activities 2 nights a week besides going home, eating a frozen pizza and watching TV seemed like the greatest thing!
I have to be completely honest and say part of me longs for those days. Life seemed simpler...and I was oh-so-organized. Some of that time also coincided with my 2 years living by myself in a one bedroom apartment in Annapolis. I would spend weekends color coding the clothes in my closet. My apartment was always neat as a pin...everything had a place, and everything was virtually always in its place. And if it wasn't...I put it away before I went to bed. My music was organized with color coded and labeled tabs. I filed everything neatly away in my file box. But while I had all kinds of time to organize and "control" my life...I was really lonely. I longed for a companion...ultimately a husband...but mostly a friend...someone to eat dinner with, and cook with, and sit and be quiet with.
I got that companion...not in the form of a husband...but a friend and roommate. And with that, my schedule got busier. Mostly with social engagements, but other commitments, too. I had to give up some control of my environment, and that was okay. Instead of coming home on Friday nights and barely leaving until Monday morning, I was barely home to do more than sleep!
Now that I am married and own a house, the responsibilities are much greater. 3200 square feet with 3 animals and a husband requires much more upkeep than an 800 square foot apartment! Things get cluttered very quickly. Dog hair tumbleweeds roll down the hallways. I do try to do some de-cluttering and organizing, but things are definitely far from neat-as-a-pin.
But...while I miss the feeling of things being ordered and organized...I wouldn't trade my life now for my life then!
I thought back to a time not so long ago when I desperately wanted a busier schedule. In my early to mid-twenties, I thought a busy schedule indicated a good, happy, and fulfilled life. I would pull out my paper planner and color code my scheduled activities in my planner (work=red, singing=blue, and so on). Having activities 2 nights a week besides going home, eating a frozen pizza and watching TV seemed like the greatest thing!
I have to be completely honest and say part of me longs for those days. Life seemed simpler...and I was oh-so-organized. Some of that time also coincided with my 2 years living by myself in a one bedroom apartment in Annapolis. I would spend weekends color coding the clothes in my closet. My apartment was always neat as a pin...everything had a place, and everything was virtually always in its place. And if it wasn't...I put it away before I went to bed. My music was organized with color coded and labeled tabs. I filed everything neatly away in my file box. But while I had all kinds of time to organize and "control" my life...I was really lonely. I longed for a companion...ultimately a husband...but mostly a friend...someone to eat dinner with, and cook with, and sit and be quiet with.
I got that companion...not in the form of a husband...but a friend and roommate. And with that, my schedule got busier. Mostly with social engagements, but other commitments, too. I had to give up some control of my environment, and that was okay. Instead of coming home on Friday nights and barely leaving until Monday morning, I was barely home to do more than sleep!
Now that I am married and own a house, the responsibilities are much greater. 3200 square feet with 3 animals and a husband requires much more upkeep than an 800 square foot apartment! Things get cluttered very quickly. Dog hair tumbleweeds roll down the hallways. I do try to do some de-cluttering and organizing, but things are definitely far from neat-as-a-pin.
But...while I miss the feeling of things being ordered and organized...I wouldn't trade my life now for my life then!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Attend an NFL Football Game...Check!
I was amazed at how different a professional game feels from a college game. And I've been to some serious college games (Williams-Brice Stadium anyone? Death Valley, you say?). But the fans at pro games are INTENSE! Everyone was totally into the game...very little socializing going on at all. Also, the players are soo much more athletic than college players. The time outs are also a lot "slicker". Meaning the videos were put together well; and the fan chants were a bit more polished.
I really enjoyed it! Here are few pictures to document this milestone in my life!
The Ravens even have a Marching Band!
Player introductions
View of the stadium from our seats
Happy Page who could use some Make-up!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I'm Still Here...
Lest you think that after "outing" myself daily on my blog about anxiety, I succumbed to a week and a half of hiding in bed with the covers pulled up over my head...I'm back briefly to update you on the BUSY past week and a half I've had! And please forgive the bullet point format. I think today it is going to be the easiest way to communicate my jumbled thoughts in a somewhat timely fashion!
- I talked about singing at a friend's wedding in my last post. It was as lovely as I'd hoped (both the wedding and the music). My romantic husband got a bit teary hearing our wedding music again live...while I was doing my best to sing the right notes at the right time!
- Last week was one of the busiest I've had in a long time. I was onstage in a show with my chorus and had rehearsal every evening. Oh, and my parents came to visit for a week. And did I mention that my husband had 2 opera performances to perform in...and 2 opera performances to run. Eek. Oh, and don't forget the football game before my performance on Saturday... Yeah. You get the point. It was fun, but I think I'm still recovering!
- The interesting thing for me about business and anxiety is that I feel GREAT when I'm busy. Very little anxiety at all...mostly because I'm very focused on what is keeping me busy. When things slow down is when the anxiety hits for me. I think all performers experience some form of post-show depression...and even though I was a essentially a live prop in this production, it is normal to feel a little down when the high of performing and going going going is over. I'm not good at transitioning out of super-busy times into more relaxed times. But I'm learning to expect that the Sunday/Monday after a performance weekend will be hard for me. And in expecting it, it's much easier to deal with it.
- If all goes as planned, tomorrow night I will get to cross another item off my list to the right! I'll keep it a bit of a secret for now (it's not all that exciting...but still). Hopefully I'll be back on Friday to share!
Friday, September 14, 2012
The Power of Singing with a Group
Today, I'm taking a break from the serious anxiety-related posts to talk about something very dear to my heart. Music.
This weekend, I have the honor of singing with 10 other ladies at a good friend's wedding. Incidentally, these are the same ladies who sang so beautifully at my wedding! I am so happy to return the favor for my friend, and even happier that she chose the same music as J and I had. I think she did it mainly for the ease of our singing group, but I am very excited to be singing this music. Obviously, I picked it because I love it! I was so blessed to have such dedicated friends who rehearsed many times for our wedding...but it was hard for me that they were rehearsing without me and for me not to get to sing the music. It is not the easiest music to learn, but I've had fun learning it and singing it with my friends.
There is something otherworldly and supernatural about singing beautiful music with a group of like-minded people. Of course, singing in general always calms my heart and is fulfilling for me, but I much prefer singing in a group. In our women's group, we are working to created a blended, uniform sound. It is certainly a challenge to contribute sound to the group, but not stick out. It requires listening, singing, and feeling the music in your spirit. I know that sounds cheesy, but it is true!
In a sense, it is a bit like being part of the Body of Christ. Each person has to contribute their own time and talent to maintain the balance, but no one person or voice should be heard above another. The goal of the group is to present something beautiful, with no one person receiving glory and praise above another. When the goal is for the group to blend, each individual singer has to "die to themselves" (in this case, their own voice and wanting to be heard/praised), and sing for the good of the group.
In any case, I am very much looking forward to this weekend...seeing a friend get married, and honoring her and the Lord by singing beautiful music with my friends. I can't ask for much more than that! :)
This weekend, I have the honor of singing with 10 other ladies at a good friend's wedding. Incidentally, these are the same ladies who sang so beautifully at my wedding! I am so happy to return the favor for my friend, and even happier that she chose the same music as J and I had. I think she did it mainly for the ease of our singing group, but I am very excited to be singing this music. Obviously, I picked it because I love it! I was so blessed to have such dedicated friends who rehearsed many times for our wedding...but it was hard for me that they were rehearsing without me and for me not to get to sing the music. It is not the easiest music to learn, but I've had fun learning it and singing it with my friends.
There is something otherworldly and supernatural about singing beautiful music with a group of like-minded people. Of course, singing in general always calms my heart and is fulfilling for me, but I much prefer singing in a group. In our women's group, we are working to created a blended, uniform sound. It is certainly a challenge to contribute sound to the group, but not stick out. It requires listening, singing, and feeling the music in your spirit. I know that sounds cheesy, but it is true!
In a sense, it is a bit like being part of the Body of Christ. Each person has to contribute their own time and talent to maintain the balance, but no one person or voice should be heard above another. The goal of the group is to present something beautiful, with no one person receiving glory and praise above another. When the goal is for the group to blend, each individual singer has to "die to themselves" (in this case, their own voice and wanting to be heard/praised), and sing for the good of the group.
In any case, I am very much looking forward to this weekend...seeing a friend get married, and honoring her and the Lord by singing beautiful music with my friends. I can't ask for much more than that! :)
Thursday, September 13, 2012
My Struggles with Anxiety: Coping Mechanisms
**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I
hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my
thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of
categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on
forever! If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
Before I started seeing my counselor regularly, I often googled "dealing with anxiety", and found all kinds of suggestions for dealing with anxiety. I'm sure all of them have value, but for me, some work better than others. And really, none of them work unless I believe them. When I'm in the midst of the panic or the thought loop, it is hard for me to believe that anything but the passing of time will help, and sometimes I have no hope that it will ever end. But, I have found that the following strategies work well for me.
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
Before I started seeing my counselor regularly, I often googled "dealing with anxiety", and found all kinds of suggestions for dealing with anxiety. I'm sure all of them have value, but for me, some work better than others. And really, none of them work unless I believe them. When I'm in the midst of the panic or the thought loop, it is hard for me to believe that anything but the passing of time will help, and sometimes I have no hope that it will ever end. But, I have found that the following strategies work well for me.
- Breathing- Belly breathing is the best physical thing I can do to calm myself down when I'm in the midst of the panic or the thought loop. My office has a "quiet room/spa", and at this point I have spent many minutes there in the past few months laying on a chaise lounge, listening to soothing music, and belly breathing. Sometimes, it feels like the only way I can relax.
- Spending Time with Friends- I know for some people, spending time with others when they are anxious creates more anxiety. I'm the opposite. I think because my anxiety is not social in nature, I'd much rather be around friends or family when I'm feeling anxious. Laughing with friends, and even having serious conversations with friends is a welcome and helpful distraction for me. I believe that relationships are one of the most important aspects of life, and I am so very blessed that I have so many good ones. I think it also helps that I am an external processor. Sometimes when I express my anxieties out loud to another person, it is easier for me to realize how irrational they are and dismiss them.
- Exercise- Well, after the past 3 months, I think I can no longer call myself the Lazy Runner. While I haven't logged as many miles as I have in the past, I've exercised practically every day since the beginning of June. If breathing and other distractions don't calm me down, I hit the treadmill. I'm lucky that my office has a gym. Otherwise, I'm not sure how I would have made it through the past couple of months. For me, strenuous exercise (like running) ends both the thought loop and the physical symptoms of anxiety. Even if I haven't worked out my thoughts after exercise, my body feels much more relaxed, and my mind is more at ease as well.
- Living life 60 seconds at a time- I am future obsessed. Always have been, really. My mind is always looking to the future, looking forward to something, planning, thinking...to the point that I have a really hard time living in the moment. My husband is the opposite. He is often late because he is enjoying life and living in the moment. I'm trying to learn to be more like him in that regard. My counselor recommended a book called One Minute Mindfulness. It contains a lot of great practical strategies to reduce anxiety by living life in 60 second increments, and being present in the moment. The author is a former Buddhist monk turned psychotherapist so I find some of his spiritual suggestions a bit "out there" and generic, but it is easy for me to incorporate my own faith into a lot of what he says about meditation, connection, etc. Things like when you take a shower, enjoy the warmth of the water. Feel the water on your head. Enjoy it. Be present where you are. Honestly, most mornings in the shower I'm thinking through everything I have to do that day, which can often be stressful. Zoning out and enjoying the water beating down on my head is nice. :) Even on my most anxious days, I would think, "Can I make it through 60 more seconds of life? I think so." And after 5 minutes of thinking in 60 second increments, I felt better. It reminds me of running a marathon using the run 2 min/walk 1 min method. At 20 miles, I was pretty sure I couldn't run or walk 6 more miles, but I could run for 2 more minutes. Really, most things in life are bearable if we know they are temporary and only think about them lasting for a minute or two.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
My Struggles with Anxiety: The Spiritual Aspect
**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I
hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my
thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of
categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on
forever! If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
I have only recently started to explore the spiritual reasons for and implications of my anxiety. I think this is because I spent the first 9 months of my anxiety struggles trying to figure out what was wrong with me physically. And then when the panic began, I was just trying to survive. Once I accepted my anxiety as a mental fact, I began to process the "Why's". Why am I afraid of having a serious illness? Why am I anxious about not being in control? Why am I afraid of the unknown? Why am I afraid of dying? And then one day, in the midst of being pseudo-convinced that I had ovarian cancer (I don't, by the way)...I thought, "If I am afraid of this disease, then I must be afraid of dying." This was a frightening revelation to me, because it let me know that my faith in God and His Promises must not be as strong as I had assumed.
Faith is something it seems I have always had...even before I knew Christ, I believed in God. There was never a question in my life about that; even as a child. So questioning my faith was likely one of the scariest things I have ever done. This first revelation that I might not be believing God's promises occurred a few days before I started taking long-term medication. Then, I had a few weeks of struggling with the physical aspects of anxiety. Getting out of bed in the morning felt scary. I began to pray more, and the phrase I repeated to myself over and over was "His mercies are new every morning". During that time, I desperately needed those new mercies. Then, one day while driving home on the interstate in a thunderstorm, I looked at the sky and thought, "What if God doesn't exist? What if the world is completely out of control, and things just...happen? What if when we die, we just die?". And, Whoa. It felt like my whole world just disintegrated. A belief I had held and never questioned in my whole life no longer felt rock solid.
I didn't lose my faith. But ever since then, my complete faith in God sometimes feels uncertain. But oh, how I have sought Him and spent time with Him since then! Sometimes I feel anxious when I seek Him, or spend time in the Word. All of the things people have said to me in the past to refute the existence of God have popped into my head. Scientific things, mental things...that we as humans have created a God that meets our needs so that we have something to hold onto. That when it seems prayers are answered, it is just a coincidence. That since there is no physical evidence or proof of a God, that He must not exist. In those thoughts, I am trying to understand the mysteries of God that can't be understood by humans. That is why He tells us to trust Him, not to lean on our own understanding, I guess!
This new development in my experience with anxiety has been the most difficult. Mainly because it is something I can never be truly certain about. At least in the physical sense. With anxiety about illness, I can go to a doctor and get checked out and cleared. With the panic and physical feelings of anxiety, I can calm myself down on my own or with medication. But the existence of God? How can I prove that to myself? The ultimate issue is that I can't prove it to myself...only He can.
And I trust that He will. When I question the existence of God...I know that I do not truly believe He doesn't exist. It is just a FEAR that He doesn't exist! If I don't believe He is there, why am I praying to Him, begging Him to speak to me? Why do I worship Him in song? Why do I present my requests for healing to Him? I have not been actively seeking Him regularly for awhile, and I know that is part of the reason my faith has been so easily shaken. And in being brought so low with the anxiety, the only place I can turn is to Jesus.
I am not a patient person. So when I have the fears and thoughts that God doesn't exist, I want Him to prove Himself to me immediately. But He doesn't work that way. The other day I kept thinking, "Why isn't there a magic medication I can take to make me believe in the existence of God?" But there isn't...and part of me is glad there isn't. God can only prove Himself to me by having me spend time with Him. It's a relationship. And when I pray, though sometimes I still wonder if I am just talking to myself, there have been enough of my prayers answered in the past few weeks that I feel my faith is being renewed and rebuilt brick by brick. It will take time for Him to heal and restore me, and I have to be ok with that. In the meantime, I will continue to seek Him...in prayer, and in His Word, and in His people.
I would appreciate your prayers...whether you are a friend, a stranger, or an acquaintance. Pray that the Lord would continue to reveal Himself and His heart to me...and that I would be receptive to Him. Pray that He would continue to heal my anxious heart. And pray that above all, He would use this whole situation to glorify Himself.
Hopefully, I'll be back soon with some of my practical coping skills for anxiety. But for now, thanks for reading these long posts!
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
I have only recently started to explore the spiritual reasons for and implications of my anxiety. I think this is because I spent the first 9 months of my anxiety struggles trying to figure out what was wrong with me physically. And then when the panic began, I was just trying to survive. Once I accepted my anxiety as a mental fact, I began to process the "Why's". Why am I afraid of having a serious illness? Why am I anxious about not being in control? Why am I afraid of the unknown? Why am I afraid of dying? And then one day, in the midst of being pseudo-convinced that I had ovarian cancer (I don't, by the way)...I thought, "If I am afraid of this disease, then I must be afraid of dying." This was a frightening revelation to me, because it let me know that my faith in God and His Promises must not be as strong as I had assumed.
Faith is something it seems I have always had...even before I knew Christ, I believed in God. There was never a question in my life about that; even as a child. So questioning my faith was likely one of the scariest things I have ever done. This first revelation that I might not be believing God's promises occurred a few days before I started taking long-term medication. Then, I had a few weeks of struggling with the physical aspects of anxiety. Getting out of bed in the morning felt scary. I began to pray more, and the phrase I repeated to myself over and over was "His mercies are new every morning". During that time, I desperately needed those new mercies. Then, one day while driving home on the interstate in a thunderstorm, I looked at the sky and thought, "What if God doesn't exist? What if the world is completely out of control, and things just...happen? What if when we die, we just die?". And, Whoa. It felt like my whole world just disintegrated. A belief I had held and never questioned in my whole life no longer felt rock solid.
I didn't lose my faith. But ever since then, my complete faith in God sometimes feels uncertain. But oh, how I have sought Him and spent time with Him since then! Sometimes I feel anxious when I seek Him, or spend time in the Word. All of the things people have said to me in the past to refute the existence of God have popped into my head. Scientific things, mental things...that we as humans have created a God that meets our needs so that we have something to hold onto. That when it seems prayers are answered, it is just a coincidence. That since there is no physical evidence or proof of a God, that He must not exist. In those thoughts, I am trying to understand the mysteries of God that can't be understood by humans. That is why He tells us to trust Him, not to lean on our own understanding, I guess!
This new development in my experience with anxiety has been the most difficult. Mainly because it is something I can never be truly certain about. At least in the physical sense. With anxiety about illness, I can go to a doctor and get checked out and cleared. With the panic and physical feelings of anxiety, I can calm myself down on my own or with medication. But the existence of God? How can I prove that to myself? The ultimate issue is that I can't prove it to myself...only He can.
And I trust that He will. When I question the existence of God...I know that I do not truly believe He doesn't exist. It is just a FEAR that He doesn't exist! If I don't believe He is there, why am I praying to Him, begging Him to speak to me? Why do I worship Him in song? Why do I present my requests for healing to Him? I have not been actively seeking Him regularly for awhile, and I know that is part of the reason my faith has been so easily shaken. And in being brought so low with the anxiety, the only place I can turn is to Jesus.
I am not a patient person. So when I have the fears and thoughts that God doesn't exist, I want Him to prove Himself to me immediately. But He doesn't work that way. The other day I kept thinking, "Why isn't there a magic medication I can take to make me believe in the existence of God?" But there isn't...and part of me is glad there isn't. God can only prove Himself to me by having me spend time with Him. It's a relationship. And when I pray, though sometimes I still wonder if I am just talking to myself, there have been enough of my prayers answered in the past few weeks that I feel my faith is being renewed and rebuilt brick by brick. It will take time for Him to heal and restore me, and I have to be ok with that. In the meantime, I will continue to seek Him...in prayer, and in His Word, and in His people.
I would appreciate your prayers...whether you are a friend, a stranger, or an acquaintance. Pray that the Lord would continue to reveal Himself and His heart to me...and that I would be receptive to Him. Pray that He would continue to heal my anxious heart. And pray that above all, He would use this whole situation to glorify Himself.
Hopefully, I'll be back soon with some of my practical coping skills for anxiety. But for now, thanks for reading these long posts!
Monday, September 10, 2012
My Struggles with Anxiety: The Mental/Emotional Aspect
**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I
hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my
thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of
categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on
forever! If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
For me, dealing with the mental and emotional aspect of anxiety has been the most difficult. I think it is for most people, as the mind and emotions are so complicated. Not just complicated in the sense of the reason for the anxiety, but the mental and emotional reaction to the reality of anxiety. I am blessed to have a close friend who is a counselor that has been willing to talk to me at any time that I needed her during this season. Don't get me wrong, my counselor is great...but I only see her once a week. There have been times where I just needed a professional to assure me that what I was feeling is normal with anxiety, and that I would be ok. One thing she mentioned to me really struck a chord...that we often feel so much defeat with anxiety.
It has taken me a full year to accept that I struggle with anxiety. I spent the first 9 months of that year trying to figure out what was physically wrong with me that was causing my anxiety. I mean, it couldn't be my thoughts, right? Couldn't be how I was wired. Only weak people are anxious. Ha. Even when I started taking medication, I expected it to be a magic pill. Take medication, and poof! No anxiety. Oh, how I wish that was the case!
Now, if I think about the serotonin levels...then I know there is something physically wrong with me. But there is still a stigma around "brain chemical" issues. I wanted to have some kind of disease that a doctor would find and say, "Oh! That's why you are anxious! Let's fix it." And it would all be better. I feel like accepting the title of "anxious person" means that I am weak, and not trusting God, and unhappy. I always laugh when someone says, "Oh, you just need to relax.". If only they knew how desperately I want to relax when I am anxious.
For me, I think my anxiety manifesting itself in this way occurred for a number of reasons...kind of a Perfect Storm. In the span of a year and a half, I got engaged, bought a house, planned a wedding, got married, moved to Baltimore, and had my husband of 3 months in the hospital with a major infection. Stressful stuff! Plus, I was out most nights of the week, while he was gone, too. I have learned, that for me, I need some down time. If I don't process what I am dealing with mentally, then it builds up and all comes out in the form of anxiety. I never had time to process any of my major life changes because I was maintaining this crazy schedule. So, when I slowed down each summer (last year and this year), the anxiety caught up with me. Because of this, I've cut back my schedule this year in the hopes that I will be able to have more time to process things instead of letting them build up and cause anxiety.
When I am having a non-physical anxious hour or day (not the panic..just the anxiety), the hardest part is that everything I look at or think about is colored by the anxious thoughts. It is hard to let them go. I look at a beautiful sunset and think, "that's nice, but what if my God doesn't exist and didn't create that". Or I think about a fun event coming up and think, "But what if I get anxious that day?". It doesn't seem like anything I normally like will make me happy. Those times are the hardest, because they feel hopeless.
When I am having those times (and they are becoming fewer and far between), the only thing that helps is telling myself that it will pass. Because it does. I know that is one of the differences between anxiety and depression. Depression often doesn't pass...and I can't imagine that. It must be SO difficult! Another one of the good things I have learned from this anxiety is to just REVEL in the good times. When I am feeling good (which is most of the time now), I don't take it for granted anymore. I am so joyful and thankful, which I never was before. I just thought being happy and adjusted and joyful was what everyone felt. Now, on most days, I wake up happy to be alive. It's kind of like the rainy days that make the beautiful sunny ones that much better. On the good days, I'm living my life in what feels like a much more joyful and abundant way. I'm just, well, happy. And relaxed. And thankful.
I know I still have a long way to go mentally and emotionally with this anxiety, but I feel like finally accepting it has been a big step. Yes, I am an anxious person, and that is ok. It doesn't change how God sees me (He already knew anyway!), my husband loves me no matter what, and my friends have all been so supportive during this time. I'm still ME. My personality is the same as it has always been. I'm starting to be able to laugh at some of my anxious thoughts, and I think that is good. It helps put everything in perspective. :)
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
For me, dealing with the mental and emotional aspect of anxiety has been the most difficult. I think it is for most people, as the mind and emotions are so complicated. Not just complicated in the sense of the reason for the anxiety, but the mental and emotional reaction to the reality of anxiety. I am blessed to have a close friend who is a counselor that has been willing to talk to me at any time that I needed her during this season. Don't get me wrong, my counselor is great...but I only see her once a week. There have been times where I just needed a professional to assure me that what I was feeling is normal with anxiety, and that I would be ok. One thing she mentioned to me really struck a chord...that we often feel so much defeat with anxiety.
It has taken me a full year to accept that I struggle with anxiety. I spent the first 9 months of that year trying to figure out what was physically wrong with me that was causing my anxiety. I mean, it couldn't be my thoughts, right? Couldn't be how I was wired. Only weak people are anxious. Ha. Even when I started taking medication, I expected it to be a magic pill. Take medication, and poof! No anxiety. Oh, how I wish that was the case!
Now, if I think about the serotonin levels...then I know there is something physically wrong with me. But there is still a stigma around "brain chemical" issues. I wanted to have some kind of disease that a doctor would find and say, "Oh! That's why you are anxious! Let's fix it." And it would all be better. I feel like accepting the title of "anxious person" means that I am weak, and not trusting God, and unhappy. I always laugh when someone says, "Oh, you just need to relax.". If only they knew how desperately I want to relax when I am anxious.
For me, I think my anxiety manifesting itself in this way occurred for a number of reasons...kind of a Perfect Storm. In the span of a year and a half, I got engaged, bought a house, planned a wedding, got married, moved to Baltimore, and had my husband of 3 months in the hospital with a major infection. Stressful stuff! Plus, I was out most nights of the week, while he was gone, too. I have learned, that for me, I need some down time. If I don't process what I am dealing with mentally, then it builds up and all comes out in the form of anxiety. I never had time to process any of my major life changes because I was maintaining this crazy schedule. So, when I slowed down each summer (last year and this year), the anxiety caught up with me. Because of this, I've cut back my schedule this year in the hopes that I will be able to have more time to process things instead of letting them build up and cause anxiety.
When I am having a non-physical anxious hour or day (not the panic..just the anxiety), the hardest part is that everything I look at or think about is colored by the anxious thoughts. It is hard to let them go. I look at a beautiful sunset and think, "that's nice, but what if my God doesn't exist and didn't create that". Or I think about a fun event coming up and think, "But what if I get anxious that day?". It doesn't seem like anything I normally like will make me happy. Those times are the hardest, because they feel hopeless.
When I am having those times (and they are becoming fewer and far between), the only thing that helps is telling myself that it will pass. Because it does. I know that is one of the differences between anxiety and depression. Depression often doesn't pass...and I can't imagine that. It must be SO difficult! Another one of the good things I have learned from this anxiety is to just REVEL in the good times. When I am feeling good (which is most of the time now), I don't take it for granted anymore. I am so joyful and thankful, which I never was before. I just thought being happy and adjusted and joyful was what everyone felt. Now, on most days, I wake up happy to be alive. It's kind of like the rainy days that make the beautiful sunny ones that much better. On the good days, I'm living my life in what feels like a much more joyful and abundant way. I'm just, well, happy. And relaxed. And thankful.
I know I still have a long way to go mentally and emotionally with this anxiety, but I feel like finally accepting it has been a big step. Yes, I am an anxious person, and that is ok. It doesn't change how God sees me (He already knew anyway!), my husband loves me no matter what, and my friends have all been so supportive during this time. I'm still ME. My personality is the same as it has always been. I'm starting to be able to laugh at some of my anxious thoughts, and I think that is good. It helps put everything in perspective. :)
Sunday, September 9, 2012
My Struggles with Anxiety: The Physical Aspects
**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I
hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my
thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of
categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on
forever! If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
One thing I have learned a lot during this struggle has been the significance of the body/mind connection. I always knew that they were connected...stress in the mind can weaken your immune system, if you get nervous, your body responds, etc. But until I started having the panic associated with anxiety, I never fully understood the connectivity. And for me, even though the panic often feels random...there is something happening in my mind that triggers it. Whether it is the thought of some health-related concern, hearing something disturbing on TV, being in a stressful situation, or even having some kind of random thought pop in my head...these are all things that can bring on the panic. And when I have the panic...it is definitely physical. The adrenaline, the racing heart, tight chest, difficulty breathing. But now that I know what is happening, I'm usually able to calm myself down. Belly breathing, relaxing my shoulders, and verbally telling myself I am fine really help. This aspect of the panic is the easiest to control.
From what I understand from medical professionals, the times that my anxiety seems "random" is often because the serotonin levels in my brain drop. For some people, a drop in serotonin causes depression. For others, it is anxiety. For some people, it's both. For me...I think I am most likely to have anxiety...but sometimes that anxiety causes me to feel depressed. I now believe the easiest way to control serotonin levels is with medication. Of course, I never take the easy way out, so I started trying to boost my serotonin levels with exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep. Those all helped a lot, but at this time in my life, they aren't enough for me. I think exercise is THE most important natural remedy for anxiety. It has been my number one go-to solution when I feel anxious. I almost always feel better after a good run or walk. Unfortunately, the effects for me only last about 6 hours or so, and I don't get the chance to exercise twice a day.
Serotonin levels also fluctuate for a lot of women because of their menstrual cycle. Enter PMS. Or PMDD. I see links between my anxiety levels and my cycle...but it is not definitive. I do find though, that I am much more likely to experience the physical effects of anxiety from a week to a day or so before my period starts.
Often, when I am very anxious, I can't eat very much. The 4 or 5 days I had in June and July where I couldn't shake the anxiety, I wasn't able to eat more than soup and crackers. I've actually lost 10 lbs in the past 6 months. Some of it has been healthy...some of it not. I think a lot was due to the fact that I doubled my exercise level, but some is likely because of the days I couldn't eat much at all. It has stayed off for awhile now, even though I'm feeling and eating better. So that is one of the silver linings, at least!
I am a very anti-medication person. Mostly because any type of medication affects me drastically. I often have the opposite reaction to meds (i.e. Benadryl hypes me up...Dayquil makes me drowsy, etc). I also recognize that a number of my anxiety issues in the past few months have occurred because of changes in blood pressure medication. I think I just need to accept the fact that I am very sensitive to body chemistry changes and be prepared when I know I will be switching medication. I know my medication aversion is likely the main reason I was so hesitant to go on anti-anxiety meds for so long. Well, that and I'm self-reliant and stubborn. And I also felt like taking meds would mean I'm weak. Plus, there is such a social stigma when it comes to mental illness and medication. I will never feel the same about hearing someone say "Take a chill pill" (why yes, I think I will...I now have them!), or "She's going to end up on Prozac one day" (I'm not on Prozac...but it's the sentiment, not the drug). I was even kind of embarrassed to pick up my drugs at the pharmacy. But after 3 days of barely functioning while popping a "short-term" benzodiazapene that didn't really work for me (Xanax), I could have kissed the pharmacist when he handed me my prescription for a slower-acting, longer-lasting anti-anxiety med (Clonazepam).
Going on meds is the best thing I've done to manage my anxiety. I had so many reservations about it...so many side effects, thinking I would feel emotionless and drugged...none of those stereotypes were true for me. They make so many medications these days that have different chemical formulas and work in such different ways that there is likely one out there for everyone. Thankfully, we found the right one for me (Citolopram) on the first try. The long-term meds can take 4-6 weeks to kick in. Because of this, I don't recommend waiting to take them until you hit rock-bottom like I did. It's been a slow road back up...I know it was the Lord's will because I've learned so much through it...but boy. Not. Easy. I didn't really experience any of the side effects that you hear about either. And I feel SO much better. I can't even begin to describe it. If you think meds might help you...please don't be like me and let your pride and self-reliance get in the way. I believe that God allowed humans to create these drugs to help us. If I lived 50 years ago...I don't know how I would have dealt with this anxiety.
I don't know if I will always have to take medication, or if it is something that I will use now to help me get back to normal and learn how to deal with the effects of serotonin drops and anxiety on my own. I take the long-term med every day....and I have the benzodiazepene if I am panicked or really just can't control my anxious thoughts. I call it the "thought loop". Honestly though, since the long-term med has kicked in during the past month, I have only needed the benzodiazepene once or twice. Benzodiazepenes are habit-forming, so I try to only take it if I really feel like nothing else has worked. But it is nice to have in my toolbox. If I start to feel anxious, I use my breathing and other coping skills first. If I haven't calmed down or kicked myself out of the thought loop in 30 minutes to an hour, then I take one. I used to feel guilty about it, or like I had "failed". Now, I just accept that it is a tool like anything else...Advil, cold medicine, medicated lip balm...things that help me feel better.
Again, these are things that have worked for ME to help with the physical aspects of anxiety. I share so that you know where I am coming from. If you are someone who struggles with anxiety, only a healthcare professional can help you figure out what will work for you. But, know that there is help with medication, and no shame in accepting that help.
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
One thing I have learned a lot during this struggle has been the significance of the body/mind connection. I always knew that they were connected...stress in the mind can weaken your immune system, if you get nervous, your body responds, etc. But until I started having the panic associated with anxiety, I never fully understood the connectivity. And for me, even though the panic often feels random...there is something happening in my mind that triggers it. Whether it is the thought of some health-related concern, hearing something disturbing on TV, being in a stressful situation, or even having some kind of random thought pop in my head...these are all things that can bring on the panic. And when I have the panic...it is definitely physical. The adrenaline, the racing heart, tight chest, difficulty breathing. But now that I know what is happening, I'm usually able to calm myself down. Belly breathing, relaxing my shoulders, and verbally telling myself I am fine really help. This aspect of the panic is the easiest to control.
From what I understand from medical professionals, the times that my anxiety seems "random" is often because the serotonin levels in my brain drop. For some people, a drop in serotonin causes depression. For others, it is anxiety. For some people, it's both. For me...I think I am most likely to have anxiety...but sometimes that anxiety causes me to feel depressed. I now believe the easiest way to control serotonin levels is with medication. Of course, I never take the easy way out, so I started trying to boost my serotonin levels with exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep. Those all helped a lot, but at this time in my life, they aren't enough for me. I think exercise is THE most important natural remedy for anxiety. It has been my number one go-to solution when I feel anxious. I almost always feel better after a good run or walk. Unfortunately, the effects for me only last about 6 hours or so, and I don't get the chance to exercise twice a day.
Serotonin levels also fluctuate for a lot of women because of their menstrual cycle. Enter PMS. Or PMDD. I see links between my anxiety levels and my cycle...but it is not definitive. I do find though, that I am much more likely to experience the physical effects of anxiety from a week to a day or so before my period starts.
Often, when I am very anxious, I can't eat very much. The 4 or 5 days I had in June and July where I couldn't shake the anxiety, I wasn't able to eat more than soup and crackers. I've actually lost 10 lbs in the past 6 months. Some of it has been healthy...some of it not. I think a lot was due to the fact that I doubled my exercise level, but some is likely because of the days I couldn't eat much at all. It has stayed off for awhile now, even though I'm feeling and eating better. So that is one of the silver linings, at least!
I am a very anti-medication person. Mostly because any type of medication affects me drastically. I often have the opposite reaction to meds (i.e. Benadryl hypes me up...Dayquil makes me drowsy, etc). I also recognize that a number of my anxiety issues in the past few months have occurred because of changes in blood pressure medication. I think I just need to accept the fact that I am very sensitive to body chemistry changes and be prepared when I know I will be switching medication. I know my medication aversion is likely the main reason I was so hesitant to go on anti-anxiety meds for so long. Well, that and I'm self-reliant and stubborn. And I also felt like taking meds would mean I'm weak. Plus, there is such a social stigma when it comes to mental illness and medication. I will never feel the same about hearing someone say "Take a chill pill" (why yes, I think I will...I now have them!), or "She's going to end up on Prozac one day" (I'm not on Prozac...but it's the sentiment, not the drug). I was even kind of embarrassed to pick up my drugs at the pharmacy. But after 3 days of barely functioning while popping a "short-term" benzodiazapene that didn't really work for me (Xanax), I could have kissed the pharmacist when he handed me my prescription for a slower-acting, longer-lasting anti-anxiety med (Clonazepam).
Going on meds is the best thing I've done to manage my anxiety. I had so many reservations about it...so many side effects, thinking I would feel emotionless and drugged...none of those stereotypes were true for me. They make so many medications these days that have different chemical formulas and work in such different ways that there is likely one out there for everyone. Thankfully, we found the right one for me (Citolopram) on the first try. The long-term meds can take 4-6 weeks to kick in. Because of this, I don't recommend waiting to take them until you hit rock-bottom like I did. It's been a slow road back up...I know it was the Lord's will because I've learned so much through it...but boy. Not. Easy. I didn't really experience any of the side effects that you hear about either. And I feel SO much better. I can't even begin to describe it. If you think meds might help you...please don't be like me and let your pride and self-reliance get in the way. I believe that God allowed humans to create these drugs to help us. If I lived 50 years ago...I don't know how I would have dealt with this anxiety.
I don't know if I will always have to take medication, or if it is something that I will use now to help me get back to normal and learn how to deal with the effects of serotonin drops and anxiety on my own. I take the long-term med every day....and I have the benzodiazepene if I am panicked or really just can't control my anxious thoughts. I call it the "thought loop". Honestly though, since the long-term med has kicked in during the past month, I have only needed the benzodiazepene once or twice. Benzodiazepenes are habit-forming, so I try to only take it if I really feel like nothing else has worked. But it is nice to have in my toolbox. If I start to feel anxious, I use my breathing and other coping skills first. If I haven't calmed down or kicked myself out of the thought loop in 30 minutes to an hour, then I take one. I used to feel guilty about it, or like I had "failed". Now, I just accept that it is a tool like anything else...Advil, cold medicine, medicated lip balm...things that help me feel better.
Again, these are things that have worked for ME to help with the physical aspects of anxiety. I share so that you know where I am coming from. If you are someone who struggles with anxiety, only a healthcare professional can help you figure out what will work for you. But, know that there is help with medication, and no shame in accepting that help.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
My Struggles with Anxiety: The Story
**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on forever! This is the first post, and is really just a recap of what I've experienced...my story, if you will.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
I have always tended to be an anxious person. I always thought of myself as a worrier, but let's face it...I am anxious. Things that I thought were wise and normal were really my anxious tendencies showing themselves. Like always worrying that I left the stove on, or the coffeepot on, or my curling iron on. Walking a mile away from my parked car and wondering if I locked it. Knowing that if I didn't go back and check, I wouldn't be able to focus and enjoy whatever I had parked for (dinner, a movie, a performance, etc). I know a lot of people who are similar to me in these ways, and those types of worries and anxieties are far from debilitating. Annoying maybe, but they rarely are serious enough to adversely affect your life.
A few months after I got married, I started noticing my worries change from these small, easily managed and resolved issues to bigger health related anxieties. I'd find a mole on my skin and be convinced it was "suspicious". When my heart rate would fluctuate, I'd be convinced I was having a heart attack. I'd have a headache and think that I had a brain tumor. These were all pretty irrational fears, but I just couldn't shake them. Even though I knew the possibility of me having a serious health issue like these was so tiny and remote, I just felt like there must be something seriously wrong that I was missing. I would pray about the worry, and try to tell myself "God is in control", but until the symptom or pain went away, or I had a doctor tell me I was fine, I was not able to move on from the worry. A few months after I started dealing with these thoughts, I made the wise decision to begin seeing a counselor. It was absolutely the best decision I could have made with regard to dealing with anxiety. At the time, what I was experiencing was not debilitating...but was mostly frustrating. I began seeing her in July of 2011. At the time, she asked if I wanted to go on medication. I was vehemently opposed to medication then...I saw it as a cop-out. I was convinced that I could handle the anxiety on my own. And for awhile, I did.
I looked for all sorts of reasons that I was "suddenly" experiencing anxiety...hormonal changes (I did have some evidence of this...weight gain, dark spots on my face, mood swings, etc), life changes, and stress. I had my thyroid checked and it came back normal. I did notice that my anxiety levels seemed to be tied to my menstrual cycle, but no doctor or my counselor could give me any real hormonal answer other than "it happens". I tried to reduce my stress levels, and find time in my days to relax. I didn't want to change my drastic life changes back (getting married, buying a house, changing cities), but I did start to try and process how they were affecting me.
I had a few more irrational health anxieties in the Fall of 2011 (mostly headaches that I was convinced meant a brain tumor again...now I know they are related to stress and clenching my jaw. Go figure. :)), and then around Christmas, in the midst of my choir's Christmas Concert, I had my first real panic/anxiety attack. It was really hot on the stage, and I was smack dab in the middle of the chorus of 180 people, with 800 people in the audience. I had a little bit of a headache going into the concert, and the heat made everything worse. During one of the orchestra pieces that we were sitting down for, I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and as I started thinking about how I was feeling...it got worse. Adrenaline surged, my heart raced, my blood pressure sky-rocketed...and I knew I couldn't stay on the stage. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and of course figured I was having a heart attack. When the chorus stood up to sing the next song, I quietly crouched down and scooted across the risers to get off the stage. I ran outside to get some cold air and managed to catch my breath. I went home and made the mistake of taking my blood pressure (I have unexplained high blood pressure and have been on meds for 8 years now...unexplained because I eat right, have low cholesterol, and exercise frequently). It was still really high, so I decided that the reason I had the reaction I did was that I was having blood pressure issues.
I still was convinced that there was something wrong with me physically that was causing the mental and physical anxiety. In December, my cardiologist put me on an additional medication that took awhile to adjust to, but seemed to be doing the trick at lowering my blood pressure...and thus my anxiety levels. I chalked the anxiety up to the blood pressure, and I was much better anxiety-wise from January through March. I actually even only saw my counselor once. I was convinced that I had kicked what I called the "Anxiety Habit". Ha ha.
Then, I had a pregnancy scare in early March. I say "scare" only because the blood pressure meds I was on at the time have lots of "DO NOT take this if you are pregnant" warnings...and we were not planning on getting pregnant. I would have been fine if I was...but knowing the meds I was on could be harmful to a baby, I was relieved that I wasn't. When I went back to my cardiologist in late March, I asked her for a different medication. While we were not trying to get pregnant...there is always a slight chance, and I didn't want to run the risk of being on the "bad" medication and end up pregnant.
3 days after I started taking the new medication, I had a panic attack in the middle of an online training I was conducting at work. Couldn't breathe, adrenaline, racing heart....but this time I quickly figured out what it was. I managed to take a quick break and then make it through the training, but I was shaken. I thought I had kicked the anxiety habit...so why was I having an unexplained, random anxiety/panic attack? I had a lot of anxiety that week, but decided it was due to my menstrual cycle. When I was still anxious a week later, I did some research on my new blood pressure meds. They were not recommended for people who struggle with depression. I wasn't depressed, but I know that anxiety and depression can be related. I called my cardiologist and talked with her, and explained what I'd been experiencing. She said that the meds shouldn't affect my anxiety, and to continue taking them and see how I felt.
So I continued on with my occasional health anxieties, taking my new blood pressure meds, and seeing my counselor for the next 2 months. Things weren't getting worse, but they weren't better either. My blood pressure seemed to be lowering though, so I contacted my cardiologist again about the meds and the anxiety. With my blood pressure lower, she suggested going off the second medication altogether, and sticking with the same med I had been taking for 8 years. I was happy with this, and thought I'd finally be rid of that darned anxiety! Again, ha ha.
I had 2 wonderful, anxiety free weekend days after I stopped taking the medication. And then, on Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I would lay down, try to relax, and get this crazy adrenaline surge. I'd get up, read, and try again. Same thing. More adrenaline. I got myself so worked up that I didn't sleep all night, and was throwing up. I had a conference for work that week, and knew I needed to be functioning at my highest level, not experiencing full-on panic for hours on end. I saw both my counselor and my doctor, and my doctor gave me a short-term medication that I could take if I was having a panic attack. We discussed the possibility of going on a long-term medication, but I was convinced that the problem was now going OFF the blood pressure meds, and that I could handle the anxious thoughts on my own if I had medication for the panic attacks. My blood pressure was high at the time...but considering I had been in a panicked state for 2 days, that made sense.
I had one more "bad" anxiety day in June...not panic...but anxiety that felt more like depression. I think part of that day was looking at my life through the filter of anxiety...which made me sad. But at that point, I was pretty sure that I would need to go on a more long-term medication. I actually didn't have any more panic attacks, and only needed to take my short-term medication twice. When I went back to my doctor in July, we decided that I should go on a long-term medication. My blood pressure was still high, so she doubled my beta blocker blood pressure medication. After taking the double dose, I didn't sleep well, and the next day I was really dragging. And then, I got really anxious, and panicked...and I felt depressed about the anxiety. It felt like the world had just started spinning off its axis, and I couldn't even really get out of bed. This lasted for 3 days. I think some of it was the extra beta blocker, some of it the anxiety..and some of it just me. They were the hardest 3 days of my life. I wondered if I would ever be able to function normally again. I saw myself being hospitalized for anxiety...and even institutionalized. It was sad, and scary and hard. After talking to my doctor again, she stopped the double-dose of the beta blocker, and decided that we would deal with the anxiety first, and then take care of the blood pressure. I slowly started to feel better.
That was 2 months ago. As the long-term medication has kicked in for me, I've begun to feel much better. But I still have anxious times. And my anxious thoughts have been more serious. I've questioned the existence of God, I've wondered if I'm just going to continue to get worse and commit suicide, I've wondered if I'm living in some kind of alternate reality...and I've felt completely, and absolutely out of control. It's hard. But, the good news is that I'm much better physically, and I'm getting there mentally and spiritually. I have a "toolbox" of things that help me combat the anxiety. And 90% of the time...I'm back to my happy, adjusted, non-anxious self.
So what does my anxiety feel like? It's hard to describe. Physically, the panic feels like I am extremely nervous about something. The adrenaline, racing heart, short of breath feeling. Mentally and spiritually...it feels hopeless. Like it will never end. As if the world has suddenly become dark and bad, and will never be the same again. Like life will never be the same and isn't worth living. Like there is no God, and no happiness in the world. I'm convinced that J.K. Rowling must struggle with anxiety and panic attacks...because the best way I can describe it is like the description of the Dementor's kiss from Harry Potter. Like your soul is being sucked out...you'll never be happy again, all negative and sad thoughts, etc. For me, it doesn't usually last that long. Not more than a few minutes..to an hour or so. But when it is there...it's rough. I haven't experienced that type of panic in awhile and I am thankful for it.
So that is where I am. I'll keep writing...as I want to convey not just the story of my anxiety...but how it has affected me...both for good and the bad. For now though...thanks for listening!
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
I have always tended to be an anxious person. I always thought of myself as a worrier, but let's face it...I am anxious. Things that I thought were wise and normal were really my anxious tendencies showing themselves. Like always worrying that I left the stove on, or the coffeepot on, or my curling iron on. Walking a mile away from my parked car and wondering if I locked it. Knowing that if I didn't go back and check, I wouldn't be able to focus and enjoy whatever I had parked for (dinner, a movie, a performance, etc). I know a lot of people who are similar to me in these ways, and those types of worries and anxieties are far from debilitating. Annoying maybe, but they rarely are serious enough to adversely affect your life.
A few months after I got married, I started noticing my worries change from these small, easily managed and resolved issues to bigger health related anxieties. I'd find a mole on my skin and be convinced it was "suspicious". When my heart rate would fluctuate, I'd be convinced I was having a heart attack. I'd have a headache and think that I had a brain tumor. These were all pretty irrational fears, but I just couldn't shake them. Even though I knew the possibility of me having a serious health issue like these was so tiny and remote, I just felt like there must be something seriously wrong that I was missing. I would pray about the worry, and try to tell myself "God is in control", but until the symptom or pain went away, or I had a doctor tell me I was fine, I was not able to move on from the worry. A few months after I started dealing with these thoughts, I made the wise decision to begin seeing a counselor. It was absolutely the best decision I could have made with regard to dealing with anxiety. At the time, what I was experiencing was not debilitating...but was mostly frustrating. I began seeing her in July of 2011. At the time, she asked if I wanted to go on medication. I was vehemently opposed to medication then...I saw it as a cop-out. I was convinced that I could handle the anxiety on my own. And for awhile, I did.
I looked for all sorts of reasons that I was "suddenly" experiencing anxiety...hormonal changes (I did have some evidence of this...weight gain, dark spots on my face, mood swings, etc), life changes, and stress. I had my thyroid checked and it came back normal. I did notice that my anxiety levels seemed to be tied to my menstrual cycle, but no doctor or my counselor could give me any real hormonal answer other than "it happens". I tried to reduce my stress levels, and find time in my days to relax. I didn't want to change my drastic life changes back (getting married, buying a house, changing cities), but I did start to try and process how they were affecting me.
I had a few more irrational health anxieties in the Fall of 2011 (mostly headaches that I was convinced meant a brain tumor again...now I know they are related to stress and clenching my jaw. Go figure. :)), and then around Christmas, in the midst of my choir's Christmas Concert, I had my first real panic/anxiety attack. It was really hot on the stage, and I was smack dab in the middle of the chorus of 180 people, with 800 people in the audience. I had a little bit of a headache going into the concert, and the heat made everything worse. During one of the orchestra pieces that we were sitting down for, I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and as I started thinking about how I was feeling...it got worse. Adrenaline surged, my heart raced, my blood pressure sky-rocketed...and I knew I couldn't stay on the stage. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and of course figured I was having a heart attack. When the chorus stood up to sing the next song, I quietly crouched down and scooted across the risers to get off the stage. I ran outside to get some cold air and managed to catch my breath. I went home and made the mistake of taking my blood pressure (I have unexplained high blood pressure and have been on meds for 8 years now...unexplained because I eat right, have low cholesterol, and exercise frequently). It was still really high, so I decided that the reason I had the reaction I did was that I was having blood pressure issues.
I still was convinced that there was something wrong with me physically that was causing the mental and physical anxiety. In December, my cardiologist put me on an additional medication that took awhile to adjust to, but seemed to be doing the trick at lowering my blood pressure...and thus my anxiety levels. I chalked the anxiety up to the blood pressure, and I was much better anxiety-wise from January through March. I actually even only saw my counselor once. I was convinced that I had kicked what I called the "Anxiety Habit". Ha ha.
Then, I had a pregnancy scare in early March. I say "scare" only because the blood pressure meds I was on at the time have lots of "DO NOT take this if you are pregnant" warnings...and we were not planning on getting pregnant. I would have been fine if I was...but knowing the meds I was on could be harmful to a baby, I was relieved that I wasn't. When I went back to my cardiologist in late March, I asked her for a different medication. While we were not trying to get pregnant...there is always a slight chance, and I didn't want to run the risk of being on the "bad" medication and end up pregnant.
3 days after I started taking the new medication, I had a panic attack in the middle of an online training I was conducting at work. Couldn't breathe, adrenaline, racing heart....but this time I quickly figured out what it was. I managed to take a quick break and then make it through the training, but I was shaken. I thought I had kicked the anxiety habit...so why was I having an unexplained, random anxiety/panic attack? I had a lot of anxiety that week, but decided it was due to my menstrual cycle. When I was still anxious a week later, I did some research on my new blood pressure meds. They were not recommended for people who struggle with depression. I wasn't depressed, but I know that anxiety and depression can be related. I called my cardiologist and talked with her, and explained what I'd been experiencing. She said that the meds shouldn't affect my anxiety, and to continue taking them and see how I felt.
So I continued on with my occasional health anxieties, taking my new blood pressure meds, and seeing my counselor for the next 2 months. Things weren't getting worse, but they weren't better either. My blood pressure seemed to be lowering though, so I contacted my cardiologist again about the meds and the anxiety. With my blood pressure lower, she suggested going off the second medication altogether, and sticking with the same med I had been taking for 8 years. I was happy with this, and thought I'd finally be rid of that darned anxiety! Again, ha ha.
I had 2 wonderful, anxiety free weekend days after I stopped taking the medication. And then, on Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I would lay down, try to relax, and get this crazy adrenaline surge. I'd get up, read, and try again. Same thing. More adrenaline. I got myself so worked up that I didn't sleep all night, and was throwing up. I had a conference for work that week, and knew I needed to be functioning at my highest level, not experiencing full-on panic for hours on end. I saw both my counselor and my doctor, and my doctor gave me a short-term medication that I could take if I was having a panic attack. We discussed the possibility of going on a long-term medication, but I was convinced that the problem was now going OFF the blood pressure meds, and that I could handle the anxious thoughts on my own if I had medication for the panic attacks. My blood pressure was high at the time...but considering I had been in a panicked state for 2 days, that made sense.
I had one more "bad" anxiety day in June...not panic...but anxiety that felt more like depression. I think part of that day was looking at my life through the filter of anxiety...which made me sad. But at that point, I was pretty sure that I would need to go on a more long-term medication. I actually didn't have any more panic attacks, and only needed to take my short-term medication twice. When I went back to my doctor in July, we decided that I should go on a long-term medication. My blood pressure was still high, so she doubled my beta blocker blood pressure medication. After taking the double dose, I didn't sleep well, and the next day I was really dragging. And then, I got really anxious, and panicked...and I felt depressed about the anxiety. It felt like the world had just started spinning off its axis, and I couldn't even really get out of bed. This lasted for 3 days. I think some of it was the extra beta blocker, some of it the anxiety..and some of it just me. They were the hardest 3 days of my life. I wondered if I would ever be able to function normally again. I saw myself being hospitalized for anxiety...and even institutionalized. It was sad, and scary and hard. After talking to my doctor again, she stopped the double-dose of the beta blocker, and decided that we would deal with the anxiety first, and then take care of the blood pressure. I slowly started to feel better.
That was 2 months ago. As the long-term medication has kicked in for me, I've begun to feel much better. But I still have anxious times. And my anxious thoughts have been more serious. I've questioned the existence of God, I've wondered if I'm just going to continue to get worse and commit suicide, I've wondered if I'm living in some kind of alternate reality...and I've felt completely, and absolutely out of control. It's hard. But, the good news is that I'm much better physically, and I'm getting there mentally and spiritually. I have a "toolbox" of things that help me combat the anxiety. And 90% of the time...I'm back to my happy, adjusted, non-anxious self.
So what does my anxiety feel like? It's hard to describe. Physically, the panic feels like I am extremely nervous about something. The adrenaline, racing heart, short of breath feeling. Mentally and spiritually...it feels hopeless. Like it will never end. As if the world has suddenly become dark and bad, and will never be the same again. Like life will never be the same and isn't worth living. Like there is no God, and no happiness in the world. I'm convinced that J.K. Rowling must struggle with anxiety and panic attacks...because the best way I can describe it is like the description of the Dementor's kiss from Harry Potter. Like your soul is being sucked out...you'll never be happy again, all negative and sad thoughts, etc. For me, it doesn't usually last that long. Not more than a few minutes..to an hour or so. But when it is there...it's rough. I haven't experienced that type of panic in awhile and I am thankful for it.
So that is where I am. I'll keep writing...as I want to convey not just the story of my anxiety...but how it has affected me...both for good and the bad. For now though...thanks for listening!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Picking Up Where I Left Off (Sort of)
So I bet you've been wondering where I've been for the past 7 months, dear blog readers. No? Well, I don't really blame you. To be honest, I've been kind of wondering where I've been, too. Thanks to Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and Hormones (and no, I'm not pregnant!). And trust me, I'll be writing on those topics soon. Too many people try to present a perfect life on blogs...and just hide the tough times. Me? I just disappear. But I want to write about what I've been through, in the hopes that it can provide hope to others. I just don't know what that will look like yet. The past 3 months of my life have been so difficult. But I think I'm coming through it OK, thanks to the Lord's provision of modern medicine, wise counsel, loyal friends, and a most faithful, supporting, and loving husband.
The best part is that even in the midst of this tough time, there have been some beautiful moments, and lots of fun times! A few of those are:
The best part is that even in the midst of this tough time, there have been some beautiful moments, and lots of fun times! A few of those are:
- A fun visit from my cousin and her family
- An awesome vacation at Hilton Head with J and my family
- A quick trip to Jacksonville to see J's family
- The Olympics!
- A fabulous meal at Volt
- Hosting 5 dinner parties with great food and great friends
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Characters
I've always been a bit of a voracious reader. As a child, I loved the idea that books took you to another world. Truthfully, I guess that is what I still love about books. And while I do like the idea of a book providing some sort of personal edification (like the books we read in Book Club), I think I actually read books purely for entertainment. I am not ashamed to admit that I much prefer a book with a good story to one that makes me think. I love a juicy novel, a beach read...and (shhhh!) even the occasional trashy romance. Though I have gotten pretty tired of the standard trite, trashy romance plot.
In the past few years, I've turned to audiobooks to pass the time during my commute. I've calculated that I spend roughly 10-12 hours commuting a week between Baltimore, Beltsville, and Annapolis. Audiobooks are a great way to be entertained, particularly when I'm sitting in stop and go traffic on I-95. I really love epic, sweeping sagas that involve travel, intrigue, romance, and thrills. I also listen to a lot of political thrillers.
Back in the spring of 2010, I was looking for something new to listen to, and stumbled upon Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. It was billed as a historical romance. When I read that it involved time traveling, I almost passed it over for something else. I'm usually not a fan of sci-fi romance-ish books...they are usually a bit unbelievable for me. Beautiful, independent modern woman travels back in time and falls for chauvinistic, but caring Norse warrior (or some such nonsense). Outlander is 40 hrs long...but the fact that it was one of the most highly rated audiobooks on Audible.com won me over. And I'm so glad! It's one of those books where the characters just jump off the page (or in my case out of the speakers). Over the past year and a half, I've downloaded and listened to all 7 books in the series. I thought the series had been complete for awhile, and that there were about 10 books. That is, until I did some research and realized that my current download, Echo in the Bone, is the last completed book in the series. The author is currently working on the 8th book. When I discovered this piece of information, I had about 6 hours to go in number 7 and was somewhat distraught!
As I slowly dragged out listening to the last part of the book, I realized how much I've come to regard these characters as friends. I know it sounds odd, but these are characters that I've been listening to for a year and a half. They've been with me on road trips, long commutes, and occasional middle-of-the-night insomnia attacks. And I'm distraught that it will likely be another year and a half until I will hear from them again! In this world of portable On-Demand everything...it's hard for me to accept that I can't just go download the next book to find out how my friends are doing and have them in my life again!
I guess it is because the characters are so human; and so likeable. I'm finding that my favorite type of entertainment is that which entertains me AND makes me think at the same time. Take Downton Abbey, for instance. It took me awhile to jump on the bandwagon, but once I did...I'm so there! On the outside, it seems to be a British "period soap opera", but it is truly the characters and their development that make the show so compelling. We want to find out what happens plot-wise, but also want to check in with characters that feel like real people and friends.
I hope that you have "friends" like mine that entertain you and keep you company. While I anxiously await news of Jamie, Claire, Lord John, Brianna, Roger, Jem, William, Ian, and Rachel...I guess I'll have to make do and go back in time (ha ha) with Gabaldon's Lord John series. A few of the characters are the same...and hopefully that will tide me over for awhile!
In the past few years, I've turned to audiobooks to pass the time during my commute. I've calculated that I spend roughly 10-12 hours commuting a week between Baltimore, Beltsville, and Annapolis. Audiobooks are a great way to be entertained, particularly when I'm sitting in stop and go traffic on I-95. I really love epic, sweeping sagas that involve travel, intrigue, romance, and thrills. I also listen to a lot of political thrillers.
Back in the spring of 2010, I was looking for something new to listen to, and stumbled upon Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. It was billed as a historical romance. When I read that it involved time traveling, I almost passed it over for something else. I'm usually not a fan of sci-fi romance-ish books...they are usually a bit unbelievable for me. Beautiful, independent modern woman travels back in time and falls for chauvinistic, but caring Norse warrior (or some such nonsense). Outlander is 40 hrs long...but the fact that it was one of the most highly rated audiobooks on Audible.com won me over. And I'm so glad! It's one of those books where the characters just jump off the page (or in my case out of the speakers). Over the past year and a half, I've downloaded and listened to all 7 books in the series. I thought the series had been complete for awhile, and that there were about 10 books. That is, until I did some research and realized that my current download, Echo in the Bone, is the last completed book in the series. The author is currently working on the 8th book. When I discovered this piece of information, I had about 6 hours to go in number 7 and was somewhat distraught!
As I slowly dragged out listening to the last part of the book, I realized how much I've come to regard these characters as friends. I know it sounds odd, but these are characters that I've been listening to for a year and a half. They've been with me on road trips, long commutes, and occasional middle-of-the-night insomnia attacks. And I'm distraught that it will likely be another year and a half until I will hear from them again! In this world of portable On-Demand everything...it's hard for me to accept that I can't just go download the next book to find out how my friends are doing and have them in my life again!
I guess it is because the characters are so human; and so likeable. I'm finding that my favorite type of entertainment is that which entertains me AND makes me think at the same time. Take Downton Abbey, for instance. It took me awhile to jump on the bandwagon, but once I did...I'm so there! On the outside, it seems to be a British "period soap opera", but it is truly the characters and their development that make the show so compelling. We want to find out what happens plot-wise, but also want to check in with characters that feel like real people and friends.
I hope that you have "friends" like mine that entertain you and keep you company. While I anxiously await news of Jamie, Claire, Lord John, Brianna, Roger, Jem, William, Ian, and Rachel...I guess I'll have to make do and go back in time (ha ha) with Gabaldon's Lord John series. A few of the characters are the same...and hopefully that will tide me over for awhile!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Quiet Season
I imagine I am in the minority, but I really love the "quiet" of winter that settles in during January and typically continues into February. Though, if I'm honest with myself, I really just love the seasons as they change. Except summer. I have a bias against summer...for some reason we don't really get along! In January and February, it always seems like life slows down a bit. Maybe it is just the comparison of January to December (usually the busiest month of all!), but I like having time here and there where I have nothing planned. That is a rarity in my current life.
My last 2 winters have been a bit busy (2010-just got engaged, 2011-settling into marriage and our new home), so I'm happy that this one is a bit quieter. I also tend to get a nesting instinct in January...lots of cleaning, organizing, and cooking. After a busy fall, I love looking at my calendar and seeing weekends with only one or two obligations or engagements, if any at all. Life settles back into a routine in January/February, and that is where I am most comfortable. It feels a bit like I have a chance to catch up on rest, life, and priorities.
So far this winter, our weather hasn't quite felt like winter. Though I generally complain when it is bitterly cold, this year I am missing the week or two where we have temps that don't go above freezing. Those are the times that I most enjoy hot baths, hot drinks, soup, and snuggling under a down comforter. We've had a few cold nights this year, but nothing like years past! However, I am happy to do without the snows and blizzards of the past few years. A fair trade-off, I suppose.
So while I have some social engagements, performances, and fun things planned for the next few months, you're most likely to find me somewhere in my house cooking, cleaning, or some other form of being domestic. Or watching a movie in preparation for the Oscars. We've got about 7 more left to see before the big show (and our big party). Guess I'll be preparing for that in the coming weeks, as well!
My last 2 winters have been a bit busy (2010-just got engaged, 2011-settling into marriage and our new home), so I'm happy that this one is a bit quieter. I also tend to get a nesting instinct in January...lots of cleaning, organizing, and cooking. After a busy fall, I love looking at my calendar and seeing weekends with only one or two obligations or engagements, if any at all. Life settles back into a routine in January/February, and that is where I am most comfortable. It feels a bit like I have a chance to catch up on rest, life, and priorities.
So far this winter, our weather hasn't quite felt like winter. Though I generally complain when it is bitterly cold, this year I am missing the week or two where we have temps that don't go above freezing. Those are the times that I most enjoy hot baths, hot drinks, soup, and snuggling under a down comforter. We've had a few cold nights this year, but nothing like years past! However, I am happy to do without the snows and blizzards of the past few years. A fair trade-off, I suppose.
So while I have some social engagements, performances, and fun things planned for the next few months, you're most likely to find me somewhere in my house cooking, cleaning, or some other form of being domestic. Or watching a movie in preparation for the Oscars. We've got about 7 more left to see before the big show (and our big party). Guess I'll be preparing for that in the coming weeks, as well!
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