**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I
hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my
thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of
categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on
forever! If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**
***Also,
I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or
endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping
mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is
different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a
licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies
that work best for you.***
I have only recently started to explore the spiritual reasons for and implications of my anxiety. I think this is because I spent the first 9 months of my anxiety struggles trying to figure out what was wrong with me physically. And then when the panic began, I was just trying to survive. Once I accepted my anxiety as a mental fact, I began to process the "Why's". Why am I afraid of having a serious illness? Why am I anxious about not being in control? Why am I afraid of the unknown? Why am I afraid of dying? And then one day, in the midst of being pseudo-convinced that I had ovarian cancer (I don't, by the way)...I thought, "If I am afraid of this disease, then I must be afraid of dying." This was a frightening revelation to me, because it let me know that my faith in God and His Promises must not be as strong as I had assumed.
Faith is something it seems I have always had...even before I knew Christ, I believed in God. There was never a question in my life about that; even as a child. So questioning my faith was likely one of the scariest things I have ever done. This first revelation that I might not be believing God's promises occurred a few days before I started taking long-term medication. Then, I had a few weeks of struggling with the physical aspects of anxiety. Getting out of bed in the morning felt scary. I began to pray more, and the phrase I repeated to myself over and over was "His mercies are new every morning". During that time, I desperately needed those new mercies. Then, one day while driving home on the interstate in a thunderstorm, I looked at the sky and thought, "What if God doesn't exist? What if the world is completely out of control, and things just...happen? What if when we die, we just die?". And, Whoa. It felt like my whole world just disintegrated. A belief I had held and never questioned in my whole life no longer felt rock solid.
I didn't lose my faith. But ever since then, my complete faith in God sometimes feels uncertain. But oh, how I have sought Him and spent time with Him since then! Sometimes I feel anxious when I seek Him, or spend time in the Word. All of the things people have said to me in the past to refute the existence of God have popped into my head. Scientific things, mental things...that we as humans have created a God that meets our needs so that we have something to hold onto. That when it seems prayers are answered, it is just a coincidence. That since there is no physical evidence or proof of a God, that He must not exist. In those thoughts, I am trying to understand the mysteries of God that can't be understood by humans. That is why He tells us to trust Him, not to lean on our own understanding, I guess!
This new development in my experience with anxiety has been the most difficult. Mainly because it is something I can never be truly certain about. At least in the physical sense. With anxiety about illness, I can go to a doctor and get checked out and cleared. With the panic and physical feelings of anxiety, I can calm myself down on my own or with medication. But the existence of God? How can I prove that to myself? The ultimate issue is that I can't prove it to myself...only He can.
And I trust that He will. When I question the existence of God...I know that I do not truly believe He doesn't exist. It is just a FEAR that He doesn't exist! If I don't believe He is there, why am I praying to Him, begging Him to speak to me? Why do I worship Him in song? Why do I present my requests for healing to Him? I have not been actively seeking Him regularly for awhile, and I know that is part of the reason my faith has been so easily shaken. And in being brought so low with the anxiety, the only place I can turn is to Jesus.
I am not a patient person. So when I have the fears and thoughts that God doesn't exist, I want Him to prove Himself to me immediately. But He doesn't work that way. The other day I kept thinking, "Why isn't there a magic medication I can take to make me believe in the existence of God?" But there isn't...and part of me is glad there isn't. God can only prove Himself to me by having me spend time with Him. It's a relationship. And when I pray, though sometimes I still wonder if I am just talking to myself, there have been enough of my prayers answered in the past few weeks that I feel my faith is being renewed and rebuilt brick by brick. It will take time for Him to heal and restore me, and I have to be ok with that. In the meantime, I will continue to seek Him...in prayer, and in His Word, and in His people.
I would appreciate your prayers...whether you are a friend, a stranger, or an acquaintance. Pray that the Lord would continue to reveal Himself and His heart to me...and that I would be receptive to Him. Pray that He would continue to heal my anxious heart. And pray that above all, He would use this whole situation to glorify Himself.
Hopefully, I'll be back soon with some of my practical coping skills for anxiety. But for now, thanks for reading these long posts!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
My Struggles with Anxiety: The Mental/Emotional Aspect
**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I
hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my
thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of
categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on
forever! If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
For me, dealing with the mental and emotional aspect of anxiety has been the most difficult. I think it is for most people, as the mind and emotions are so complicated. Not just complicated in the sense of the reason for the anxiety, but the mental and emotional reaction to the reality of anxiety. I am blessed to have a close friend who is a counselor that has been willing to talk to me at any time that I needed her during this season. Don't get me wrong, my counselor is great...but I only see her once a week. There have been times where I just needed a professional to assure me that what I was feeling is normal with anxiety, and that I would be ok. One thing she mentioned to me really struck a chord...that we often feel so much defeat with anxiety.
It has taken me a full year to accept that I struggle with anxiety. I spent the first 9 months of that year trying to figure out what was physically wrong with me that was causing my anxiety. I mean, it couldn't be my thoughts, right? Couldn't be how I was wired. Only weak people are anxious. Ha. Even when I started taking medication, I expected it to be a magic pill. Take medication, and poof! No anxiety. Oh, how I wish that was the case!
Now, if I think about the serotonin levels...then I know there is something physically wrong with me. But there is still a stigma around "brain chemical" issues. I wanted to have some kind of disease that a doctor would find and say, "Oh! That's why you are anxious! Let's fix it." And it would all be better. I feel like accepting the title of "anxious person" means that I am weak, and not trusting God, and unhappy. I always laugh when someone says, "Oh, you just need to relax.". If only they knew how desperately I want to relax when I am anxious.
For me, I think my anxiety manifesting itself in this way occurred for a number of reasons...kind of a Perfect Storm. In the span of a year and a half, I got engaged, bought a house, planned a wedding, got married, moved to Baltimore, and had my husband of 3 months in the hospital with a major infection. Stressful stuff! Plus, I was out most nights of the week, while he was gone, too. I have learned, that for me, I need some down time. If I don't process what I am dealing with mentally, then it builds up and all comes out in the form of anxiety. I never had time to process any of my major life changes because I was maintaining this crazy schedule. So, when I slowed down each summer (last year and this year), the anxiety caught up with me. Because of this, I've cut back my schedule this year in the hopes that I will be able to have more time to process things instead of letting them build up and cause anxiety.
When I am having a non-physical anxious hour or day (not the panic..just the anxiety), the hardest part is that everything I look at or think about is colored by the anxious thoughts. It is hard to let them go. I look at a beautiful sunset and think, "that's nice, but what if my God doesn't exist and didn't create that". Or I think about a fun event coming up and think, "But what if I get anxious that day?". It doesn't seem like anything I normally like will make me happy. Those times are the hardest, because they feel hopeless.
When I am having those times (and they are becoming fewer and far between), the only thing that helps is telling myself that it will pass. Because it does. I know that is one of the differences between anxiety and depression. Depression often doesn't pass...and I can't imagine that. It must be SO difficult! Another one of the good things I have learned from this anxiety is to just REVEL in the good times. When I am feeling good (which is most of the time now), I don't take it for granted anymore. I am so joyful and thankful, which I never was before. I just thought being happy and adjusted and joyful was what everyone felt. Now, on most days, I wake up happy to be alive. It's kind of like the rainy days that make the beautiful sunny ones that much better. On the good days, I'm living my life in what feels like a much more joyful and abundant way. I'm just, well, happy. And relaxed. And thankful.
I know I still have a long way to go mentally and emotionally with this anxiety, but I feel like finally accepting it has been a big step. Yes, I am an anxious person, and that is ok. It doesn't change how God sees me (He already knew anyway!), my husband loves me no matter what, and my friends have all been so supportive during this time. I'm still ME. My personality is the same as it has always been. I'm starting to be able to laugh at some of my anxious thoughts, and I think that is good. It helps put everything in perspective. :)
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
For me, dealing with the mental and emotional aspect of anxiety has been the most difficult. I think it is for most people, as the mind and emotions are so complicated. Not just complicated in the sense of the reason for the anxiety, but the mental and emotional reaction to the reality of anxiety. I am blessed to have a close friend who is a counselor that has been willing to talk to me at any time that I needed her during this season. Don't get me wrong, my counselor is great...but I only see her once a week. There have been times where I just needed a professional to assure me that what I was feeling is normal with anxiety, and that I would be ok. One thing she mentioned to me really struck a chord...that we often feel so much defeat with anxiety.
It has taken me a full year to accept that I struggle with anxiety. I spent the first 9 months of that year trying to figure out what was physically wrong with me that was causing my anxiety. I mean, it couldn't be my thoughts, right? Couldn't be how I was wired. Only weak people are anxious. Ha. Even when I started taking medication, I expected it to be a magic pill. Take medication, and poof! No anxiety. Oh, how I wish that was the case!
Now, if I think about the serotonin levels...then I know there is something physically wrong with me. But there is still a stigma around "brain chemical" issues. I wanted to have some kind of disease that a doctor would find and say, "Oh! That's why you are anxious! Let's fix it." And it would all be better. I feel like accepting the title of "anxious person" means that I am weak, and not trusting God, and unhappy. I always laugh when someone says, "Oh, you just need to relax.". If only they knew how desperately I want to relax when I am anxious.
For me, I think my anxiety manifesting itself in this way occurred for a number of reasons...kind of a Perfect Storm. In the span of a year and a half, I got engaged, bought a house, planned a wedding, got married, moved to Baltimore, and had my husband of 3 months in the hospital with a major infection. Stressful stuff! Plus, I was out most nights of the week, while he was gone, too. I have learned, that for me, I need some down time. If I don't process what I am dealing with mentally, then it builds up and all comes out in the form of anxiety. I never had time to process any of my major life changes because I was maintaining this crazy schedule. So, when I slowed down each summer (last year and this year), the anxiety caught up with me. Because of this, I've cut back my schedule this year in the hopes that I will be able to have more time to process things instead of letting them build up and cause anxiety.
When I am having a non-physical anxious hour or day (not the panic..just the anxiety), the hardest part is that everything I look at or think about is colored by the anxious thoughts. It is hard to let them go. I look at a beautiful sunset and think, "that's nice, but what if my God doesn't exist and didn't create that". Or I think about a fun event coming up and think, "But what if I get anxious that day?". It doesn't seem like anything I normally like will make me happy. Those times are the hardest, because they feel hopeless.
When I am having those times (and they are becoming fewer and far between), the only thing that helps is telling myself that it will pass. Because it does. I know that is one of the differences between anxiety and depression. Depression often doesn't pass...and I can't imagine that. It must be SO difficult! Another one of the good things I have learned from this anxiety is to just REVEL in the good times. When I am feeling good (which is most of the time now), I don't take it for granted anymore. I am so joyful and thankful, which I never was before. I just thought being happy and adjusted and joyful was what everyone felt. Now, on most days, I wake up happy to be alive. It's kind of like the rainy days that make the beautiful sunny ones that much better. On the good days, I'm living my life in what feels like a much more joyful and abundant way. I'm just, well, happy. And relaxed. And thankful.
I know I still have a long way to go mentally and emotionally with this anxiety, but I feel like finally accepting it has been a big step. Yes, I am an anxious person, and that is ok. It doesn't change how God sees me (He already knew anyway!), my husband loves me no matter what, and my friends have all been so supportive during this time. I'm still ME. My personality is the same as it has always been. I'm starting to be able to laugh at some of my anxious thoughts, and I think that is good. It helps put everything in perspective. :)
Sunday, September 9, 2012
My Struggles with Anxiety: The Physical Aspects
**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I
hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my
thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of
categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on
forever! If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
One thing I have learned a lot during this struggle has been the significance of the body/mind connection. I always knew that they were connected...stress in the mind can weaken your immune system, if you get nervous, your body responds, etc. But until I started having the panic associated with anxiety, I never fully understood the connectivity. And for me, even though the panic often feels random...there is something happening in my mind that triggers it. Whether it is the thought of some health-related concern, hearing something disturbing on TV, being in a stressful situation, or even having some kind of random thought pop in my head...these are all things that can bring on the panic. And when I have the panic...it is definitely physical. The adrenaline, the racing heart, tight chest, difficulty breathing. But now that I know what is happening, I'm usually able to calm myself down. Belly breathing, relaxing my shoulders, and verbally telling myself I am fine really help. This aspect of the panic is the easiest to control.
From what I understand from medical professionals, the times that my anxiety seems "random" is often because the serotonin levels in my brain drop. For some people, a drop in serotonin causes depression. For others, it is anxiety. For some people, it's both. For me...I think I am most likely to have anxiety...but sometimes that anxiety causes me to feel depressed. I now believe the easiest way to control serotonin levels is with medication. Of course, I never take the easy way out, so I started trying to boost my serotonin levels with exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep. Those all helped a lot, but at this time in my life, they aren't enough for me. I think exercise is THE most important natural remedy for anxiety. It has been my number one go-to solution when I feel anxious. I almost always feel better after a good run or walk. Unfortunately, the effects for me only last about 6 hours or so, and I don't get the chance to exercise twice a day.
Serotonin levels also fluctuate for a lot of women because of their menstrual cycle. Enter PMS. Or PMDD. I see links between my anxiety levels and my cycle...but it is not definitive. I do find though, that I am much more likely to experience the physical effects of anxiety from a week to a day or so before my period starts.
Often, when I am very anxious, I can't eat very much. The 4 or 5 days I had in June and July where I couldn't shake the anxiety, I wasn't able to eat more than soup and crackers. I've actually lost 10 lbs in the past 6 months. Some of it has been healthy...some of it not. I think a lot was due to the fact that I doubled my exercise level, but some is likely because of the days I couldn't eat much at all. It has stayed off for awhile now, even though I'm feeling and eating better. So that is one of the silver linings, at least!
I am a very anti-medication person. Mostly because any type of medication affects me drastically. I often have the opposite reaction to meds (i.e. Benadryl hypes me up...Dayquil makes me drowsy, etc). I also recognize that a number of my anxiety issues in the past few months have occurred because of changes in blood pressure medication. I think I just need to accept the fact that I am very sensitive to body chemistry changes and be prepared when I know I will be switching medication. I know my medication aversion is likely the main reason I was so hesitant to go on anti-anxiety meds for so long. Well, that and I'm self-reliant and stubborn. And I also felt like taking meds would mean I'm weak. Plus, there is such a social stigma when it comes to mental illness and medication. I will never feel the same about hearing someone say "Take a chill pill" (why yes, I think I will...I now have them!), or "She's going to end up on Prozac one day" (I'm not on Prozac...but it's the sentiment, not the drug). I was even kind of embarrassed to pick up my drugs at the pharmacy. But after 3 days of barely functioning while popping a "short-term" benzodiazapene that didn't really work for me (Xanax), I could have kissed the pharmacist when he handed me my prescription for a slower-acting, longer-lasting anti-anxiety med (Clonazepam).
Going on meds is the best thing I've done to manage my anxiety. I had so many reservations about it...so many side effects, thinking I would feel emotionless and drugged...none of those stereotypes were true for me. They make so many medications these days that have different chemical formulas and work in such different ways that there is likely one out there for everyone. Thankfully, we found the right one for me (Citolopram) on the first try. The long-term meds can take 4-6 weeks to kick in. Because of this, I don't recommend waiting to take them until you hit rock-bottom like I did. It's been a slow road back up...I know it was the Lord's will because I've learned so much through it...but boy. Not. Easy. I didn't really experience any of the side effects that you hear about either. And I feel SO much better. I can't even begin to describe it. If you think meds might help you...please don't be like me and let your pride and self-reliance get in the way. I believe that God allowed humans to create these drugs to help us. If I lived 50 years ago...I don't know how I would have dealt with this anxiety.
I don't know if I will always have to take medication, or if it is something that I will use now to help me get back to normal and learn how to deal with the effects of serotonin drops and anxiety on my own. I take the long-term med every day....and I have the benzodiazepene if I am panicked or really just can't control my anxious thoughts. I call it the "thought loop". Honestly though, since the long-term med has kicked in during the past month, I have only needed the benzodiazepene once or twice. Benzodiazepenes are habit-forming, so I try to only take it if I really feel like nothing else has worked. But it is nice to have in my toolbox. If I start to feel anxious, I use my breathing and other coping skills first. If I haven't calmed down or kicked myself out of the thought loop in 30 minutes to an hour, then I take one. I used to feel guilty about it, or like I had "failed". Now, I just accept that it is a tool like anything else...Advil, cold medicine, medicated lip balm...things that help me feel better.
Again, these are things that have worked for ME to help with the physical aspects of anxiety. I share so that you know where I am coming from. If you are someone who struggles with anxiety, only a healthcare professional can help you figure out what will work for you. But, know that there is help with medication, and no shame in accepting that help.
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
One thing I have learned a lot during this struggle has been the significance of the body/mind connection. I always knew that they were connected...stress in the mind can weaken your immune system, if you get nervous, your body responds, etc. But until I started having the panic associated with anxiety, I never fully understood the connectivity. And for me, even though the panic often feels random...there is something happening in my mind that triggers it. Whether it is the thought of some health-related concern, hearing something disturbing on TV, being in a stressful situation, or even having some kind of random thought pop in my head...these are all things that can bring on the panic. And when I have the panic...it is definitely physical. The adrenaline, the racing heart, tight chest, difficulty breathing. But now that I know what is happening, I'm usually able to calm myself down. Belly breathing, relaxing my shoulders, and verbally telling myself I am fine really help. This aspect of the panic is the easiest to control.
From what I understand from medical professionals, the times that my anxiety seems "random" is often because the serotonin levels in my brain drop. For some people, a drop in serotonin causes depression. For others, it is anxiety. For some people, it's both. For me...I think I am most likely to have anxiety...but sometimes that anxiety causes me to feel depressed. I now believe the easiest way to control serotonin levels is with medication. Of course, I never take the easy way out, so I started trying to boost my serotonin levels with exercise, eating right, and getting enough sleep. Those all helped a lot, but at this time in my life, they aren't enough for me. I think exercise is THE most important natural remedy for anxiety. It has been my number one go-to solution when I feel anxious. I almost always feel better after a good run or walk. Unfortunately, the effects for me only last about 6 hours or so, and I don't get the chance to exercise twice a day.
Serotonin levels also fluctuate for a lot of women because of their menstrual cycle. Enter PMS. Or PMDD. I see links between my anxiety levels and my cycle...but it is not definitive. I do find though, that I am much more likely to experience the physical effects of anxiety from a week to a day or so before my period starts.
Often, when I am very anxious, I can't eat very much. The 4 or 5 days I had in June and July where I couldn't shake the anxiety, I wasn't able to eat more than soup and crackers. I've actually lost 10 lbs in the past 6 months. Some of it has been healthy...some of it not. I think a lot was due to the fact that I doubled my exercise level, but some is likely because of the days I couldn't eat much at all. It has stayed off for awhile now, even though I'm feeling and eating better. So that is one of the silver linings, at least!
I am a very anti-medication person. Mostly because any type of medication affects me drastically. I often have the opposite reaction to meds (i.e. Benadryl hypes me up...Dayquil makes me drowsy, etc). I also recognize that a number of my anxiety issues in the past few months have occurred because of changes in blood pressure medication. I think I just need to accept the fact that I am very sensitive to body chemistry changes and be prepared when I know I will be switching medication. I know my medication aversion is likely the main reason I was so hesitant to go on anti-anxiety meds for so long. Well, that and I'm self-reliant and stubborn. And I also felt like taking meds would mean I'm weak. Plus, there is such a social stigma when it comes to mental illness and medication. I will never feel the same about hearing someone say "Take a chill pill" (why yes, I think I will...I now have them!), or "She's going to end up on Prozac one day" (I'm not on Prozac...but it's the sentiment, not the drug). I was even kind of embarrassed to pick up my drugs at the pharmacy. But after 3 days of barely functioning while popping a "short-term" benzodiazapene that didn't really work for me (Xanax), I could have kissed the pharmacist when he handed me my prescription for a slower-acting, longer-lasting anti-anxiety med (Clonazepam).
Going on meds is the best thing I've done to manage my anxiety. I had so many reservations about it...so many side effects, thinking I would feel emotionless and drugged...none of those stereotypes were true for me. They make so many medications these days that have different chemical formulas and work in such different ways that there is likely one out there for everyone. Thankfully, we found the right one for me (Citolopram) on the first try. The long-term meds can take 4-6 weeks to kick in. Because of this, I don't recommend waiting to take them until you hit rock-bottom like I did. It's been a slow road back up...I know it was the Lord's will because I've learned so much through it...but boy. Not. Easy. I didn't really experience any of the side effects that you hear about either. And I feel SO much better. I can't even begin to describe it. If you think meds might help you...please don't be like me and let your pride and self-reliance get in the way. I believe that God allowed humans to create these drugs to help us. If I lived 50 years ago...I don't know how I would have dealt with this anxiety.
I don't know if I will always have to take medication, or if it is something that I will use now to help me get back to normal and learn how to deal with the effects of serotonin drops and anxiety on my own. I take the long-term med every day....and I have the benzodiazepene if I am panicked or really just can't control my anxious thoughts. I call it the "thought loop". Honestly though, since the long-term med has kicked in during the past month, I have only needed the benzodiazepene once or twice. Benzodiazepenes are habit-forming, so I try to only take it if I really feel like nothing else has worked. But it is nice to have in my toolbox. If I start to feel anxious, I use my breathing and other coping skills first. If I haven't calmed down or kicked myself out of the thought loop in 30 minutes to an hour, then I take one. I used to feel guilty about it, or like I had "failed". Now, I just accept that it is a tool like anything else...Advil, cold medicine, medicated lip balm...things that help me feel better.
Again, these are things that have worked for ME to help with the physical aspects of anxiety. I share so that you know where I am coming from. If you are someone who struggles with anxiety, only a healthcare professional can help you figure out what will work for you. But, know that there is help with medication, and no shame in accepting that help.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
My Struggles with Anxiety: The Story
**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on forever! This is the first post, and is really just a recap of what I've experienced...my story, if you will.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
I have always tended to be an anxious person. I always thought of myself as a worrier, but let's face it...I am anxious. Things that I thought were wise and normal were really my anxious tendencies showing themselves. Like always worrying that I left the stove on, or the coffeepot on, or my curling iron on. Walking a mile away from my parked car and wondering if I locked it. Knowing that if I didn't go back and check, I wouldn't be able to focus and enjoy whatever I had parked for (dinner, a movie, a performance, etc). I know a lot of people who are similar to me in these ways, and those types of worries and anxieties are far from debilitating. Annoying maybe, but they rarely are serious enough to adversely affect your life.
A few months after I got married, I started noticing my worries change from these small, easily managed and resolved issues to bigger health related anxieties. I'd find a mole on my skin and be convinced it was "suspicious". When my heart rate would fluctuate, I'd be convinced I was having a heart attack. I'd have a headache and think that I had a brain tumor. These were all pretty irrational fears, but I just couldn't shake them. Even though I knew the possibility of me having a serious health issue like these was so tiny and remote, I just felt like there must be something seriously wrong that I was missing. I would pray about the worry, and try to tell myself "God is in control", but until the symptom or pain went away, or I had a doctor tell me I was fine, I was not able to move on from the worry. A few months after I started dealing with these thoughts, I made the wise decision to begin seeing a counselor. It was absolutely the best decision I could have made with regard to dealing with anxiety. At the time, what I was experiencing was not debilitating...but was mostly frustrating. I began seeing her in July of 2011. At the time, she asked if I wanted to go on medication. I was vehemently opposed to medication then...I saw it as a cop-out. I was convinced that I could handle the anxiety on my own. And for awhile, I did.
I looked for all sorts of reasons that I was "suddenly" experiencing anxiety...hormonal changes (I did have some evidence of this...weight gain, dark spots on my face, mood swings, etc), life changes, and stress. I had my thyroid checked and it came back normal. I did notice that my anxiety levels seemed to be tied to my menstrual cycle, but no doctor or my counselor could give me any real hormonal answer other than "it happens". I tried to reduce my stress levels, and find time in my days to relax. I didn't want to change my drastic life changes back (getting married, buying a house, changing cities), but I did start to try and process how they were affecting me.
I had a few more irrational health anxieties in the Fall of 2011 (mostly headaches that I was convinced meant a brain tumor again...now I know they are related to stress and clenching my jaw. Go figure. :)), and then around Christmas, in the midst of my choir's Christmas Concert, I had my first real panic/anxiety attack. It was really hot on the stage, and I was smack dab in the middle of the chorus of 180 people, with 800 people in the audience. I had a little bit of a headache going into the concert, and the heat made everything worse. During one of the orchestra pieces that we were sitting down for, I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and as I started thinking about how I was feeling...it got worse. Adrenaline surged, my heart raced, my blood pressure sky-rocketed...and I knew I couldn't stay on the stage. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and of course figured I was having a heart attack. When the chorus stood up to sing the next song, I quietly crouched down and scooted across the risers to get off the stage. I ran outside to get some cold air and managed to catch my breath. I went home and made the mistake of taking my blood pressure (I have unexplained high blood pressure and have been on meds for 8 years now...unexplained because I eat right, have low cholesterol, and exercise frequently). It was still really high, so I decided that the reason I had the reaction I did was that I was having blood pressure issues.
I still was convinced that there was something wrong with me physically that was causing the mental and physical anxiety. In December, my cardiologist put me on an additional medication that took awhile to adjust to, but seemed to be doing the trick at lowering my blood pressure...and thus my anxiety levels. I chalked the anxiety up to the blood pressure, and I was much better anxiety-wise from January through March. I actually even only saw my counselor once. I was convinced that I had kicked what I called the "Anxiety Habit". Ha ha.
Then, I had a pregnancy scare in early March. I say "scare" only because the blood pressure meds I was on at the time have lots of "DO NOT take this if you are pregnant" warnings...and we were not planning on getting pregnant. I would have been fine if I was...but knowing the meds I was on could be harmful to a baby, I was relieved that I wasn't. When I went back to my cardiologist in late March, I asked her for a different medication. While we were not trying to get pregnant...there is always a slight chance, and I didn't want to run the risk of being on the "bad" medication and end up pregnant.
3 days after I started taking the new medication, I had a panic attack in the middle of an online training I was conducting at work. Couldn't breathe, adrenaline, racing heart....but this time I quickly figured out what it was. I managed to take a quick break and then make it through the training, but I was shaken. I thought I had kicked the anxiety habit...so why was I having an unexplained, random anxiety/panic attack? I had a lot of anxiety that week, but decided it was due to my menstrual cycle. When I was still anxious a week later, I did some research on my new blood pressure meds. They were not recommended for people who struggle with depression. I wasn't depressed, but I know that anxiety and depression can be related. I called my cardiologist and talked with her, and explained what I'd been experiencing. She said that the meds shouldn't affect my anxiety, and to continue taking them and see how I felt.
So I continued on with my occasional health anxieties, taking my new blood pressure meds, and seeing my counselor for the next 2 months. Things weren't getting worse, but they weren't better either. My blood pressure seemed to be lowering though, so I contacted my cardiologist again about the meds and the anxiety. With my blood pressure lower, she suggested going off the second medication altogether, and sticking with the same med I had been taking for 8 years. I was happy with this, and thought I'd finally be rid of that darned anxiety! Again, ha ha.
I had 2 wonderful, anxiety free weekend days after I stopped taking the medication. And then, on Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I would lay down, try to relax, and get this crazy adrenaline surge. I'd get up, read, and try again. Same thing. More adrenaline. I got myself so worked up that I didn't sleep all night, and was throwing up. I had a conference for work that week, and knew I needed to be functioning at my highest level, not experiencing full-on panic for hours on end. I saw both my counselor and my doctor, and my doctor gave me a short-term medication that I could take if I was having a panic attack. We discussed the possibility of going on a long-term medication, but I was convinced that the problem was now going OFF the blood pressure meds, and that I could handle the anxious thoughts on my own if I had medication for the panic attacks. My blood pressure was high at the time...but considering I had been in a panicked state for 2 days, that made sense.
I had one more "bad" anxiety day in June...not panic...but anxiety that felt more like depression. I think part of that day was looking at my life through the filter of anxiety...which made me sad. But at that point, I was pretty sure that I would need to go on a more long-term medication. I actually didn't have any more panic attacks, and only needed to take my short-term medication twice. When I went back to my doctor in July, we decided that I should go on a long-term medication. My blood pressure was still high, so she doubled my beta blocker blood pressure medication. After taking the double dose, I didn't sleep well, and the next day I was really dragging. And then, I got really anxious, and panicked...and I felt depressed about the anxiety. It felt like the world had just started spinning off its axis, and I couldn't even really get out of bed. This lasted for 3 days. I think some of it was the extra beta blocker, some of it the anxiety..and some of it just me. They were the hardest 3 days of my life. I wondered if I would ever be able to function normally again. I saw myself being hospitalized for anxiety...and even institutionalized. It was sad, and scary and hard. After talking to my doctor again, she stopped the double-dose of the beta blocker, and decided that we would deal with the anxiety first, and then take care of the blood pressure. I slowly started to feel better.
That was 2 months ago. As the long-term medication has kicked in for me, I've begun to feel much better. But I still have anxious times. And my anxious thoughts have been more serious. I've questioned the existence of God, I've wondered if I'm just going to continue to get worse and commit suicide, I've wondered if I'm living in some kind of alternate reality...and I've felt completely, and absolutely out of control. It's hard. But, the good news is that I'm much better physically, and I'm getting there mentally and spiritually. I have a "toolbox" of things that help me combat the anxiety. And 90% of the time...I'm back to my happy, adjusted, non-anxious self.
So what does my anxiety feel like? It's hard to describe. Physically, the panic feels like I am extremely nervous about something. The adrenaline, racing heart, short of breath feeling. Mentally and spiritually...it feels hopeless. Like it will never end. As if the world has suddenly become dark and bad, and will never be the same again. Like life will never be the same and isn't worth living. Like there is no God, and no happiness in the world. I'm convinced that J.K. Rowling must struggle with anxiety and panic attacks...because the best way I can describe it is like the description of the Dementor's kiss from Harry Potter. Like your soul is being sucked out...you'll never be happy again, all negative and sad thoughts, etc. For me, it doesn't usually last that long. Not more than a few minutes..to an hour or so. But when it is there...it's rough. I haven't experienced that type of panic in awhile and I am thankful for it.
So that is where I am. I'll keep writing...as I want to convey not just the story of my anxiety...but how it has affected me...both for good and the bad. For now though...thanks for listening!
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
I have always tended to be an anxious person. I always thought of myself as a worrier, but let's face it...I am anxious. Things that I thought were wise and normal were really my anxious tendencies showing themselves. Like always worrying that I left the stove on, or the coffeepot on, or my curling iron on. Walking a mile away from my parked car and wondering if I locked it. Knowing that if I didn't go back and check, I wouldn't be able to focus and enjoy whatever I had parked for (dinner, a movie, a performance, etc). I know a lot of people who are similar to me in these ways, and those types of worries and anxieties are far from debilitating. Annoying maybe, but they rarely are serious enough to adversely affect your life.
A few months after I got married, I started noticing my worries change from these small, easily managed and resolved issues to bigger health related anxieties. I'd find a mole on my skin and be convinced it was "suspicious". When my heart rate would fluctuate, I'd be convinced I was having a heart attack. I'd have a headache and think that I had a brain tumor. These were all pretty irrational fears, but I just couldn't shake them. Even though I knew the possibility of me having a serious health issue like these was so tiny and remote, I just felt like there must be something seriously wrong that I was missing. I would pray about the worry, and try to tell myself "God is in control", but until the symptom or pain went away, or I had a doctor tell me I was fine, I was not able to move on from the worry. A few months after I started dealing with these thoughts, I made the wise decision to begin seeing a counselor. It was absolutely the best decision I could have made with regard to dealing with anxiety. At the time, what I was experiencing was not debilitating...but was mostly frustrating. I began seeing her in July of 2011. At the time, she asked if I wanted to go on medication. I was vehemently opposed to medication then...I saw it as a cop-out. I was convinced that I could handle the anxiety on my own. And for awhile, I did.
I looked for all sorts of reasons that I was "suddenly" experiencing anxiety...hormonal changes (I did have some evidence of this...weight gain, dark spots on my face, mood swings, etc), life changes, and stress. I had my thyroid checked and it came back normal. I did notice that my anxiety levels seemed to be tied to my menstrual cycle, but no doctor or my counselor could give me any real hormonal answer other than "it happens". I tried to reduce my stress levels, and find time in my days to relax. I didn't want to change my drastic life changes back (getting married, buying a house, changing cities), but I did start to try and process how they were affecting me.
I had a few more irrational health anxieties in the Fall of 2011 (mostly headaches that I was convinced meant a brain tumor again...now I know they are related to stress and clenching my jaw. Go figure. :)), and then around Christmas, in the midst of my choir's Christmas Concert, I had my first real panic/anxiety attack. It was really hot on the stage, and I was smack dab in the middle of the chorus of 180 people, with 800 people in the audience. I had a little bit of a headache going into the concert, and the heat made everything worse. During one of the orchestra pieces that we were sitting down for, I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and as I started thinking about how I was feeling...it got worse. Adrenaline surged, my heart raced, my blood pressure sky-rocketed...and I knew I couldn't stay on the stage. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and of course figured I was having a heart attack. When the chorus stood up to sing the next song, I quietly crouched down and scooted across the risers to get off the stage. I ran outside to get some cold air and managed to catch my breath. I went home and made the mistake of taking my blood pressure (I have unexplained high blood pressure and have been on meds for 8 years now...unexplained because I eat right, have low cholesterol, and exercise frequently). It was still really high, so I decided that the reason I had the reaction I did was that I was having blood pressure issues.
I still was convinced that there was something wrong with me physically that was causing the mental and physical anxiety. In December, my cardiologist put me on an additional medication that took awhile to adjust to, but seemed to be doing the trick at lowering my blood pressure...and thus my anxiety levels. I chalked the anxiety up to the blood pressure, and I was much better anxiety-wise from January through March. I actually even only saw my counselor once. I was convinced that I had kicked what I called the "Anxiety Habit". Ha ha.
Then, I had a pregnancy scare in early March. I say "scare" only because the blood pressure meds I was on at the time have lots of "DO NOT take this if you are pregnant" warnings...and we were not planning on getting pregnant. I would have been fine if I was...but knowing the meds I was on could be harmful to a baby, I was relieved that I wasn't. When I went back to my cardiologist in late March, I asked her for a different medication. While we were not trying to get pregnant...there is always a slight chance, and I didn't want to run the risk of being on the "bad" medication and end up pregnant.
3 days after I started taking the new medication, I had a panic attack in the middle of an online training I was conducting at work. Couldn't breathe, adrenaline, racing heart....but this time I quickly figured out what it was. I managed to take a quick break and then make it through the training, but I was shaken. I thought I had kicked the anxiety habit...so why was I having an unexplained, random anxiety/panic attack? I had a lot of anxiety that week, but decided it was due to my menstrual cycle. When I was still anxious a week later, I did some research on my new blood pressure meds. They were not recommended for people who struggle with depression. I wasn't depressed, but I know that anxiety and depression can be related. I called my cardiologist and talked with her, and explained what I'd been experiencing. She said that the meds shouldn't affect my anxiety, and to continue taking them and see how I felt.
So I continued on with my occasional health anxieties, taking my new blood pressure meds, and seeing my counselor for the next 2 months. Things weren't getting worse, but they weren't better either. My blood pressure seemed to be lowering though, so I contacted my cardiologist again about the meds and the anxiety. With my blood pressure lower, she suggested going off the second medication altogether, and sticking with the same med I had been taking for 8 years. I was happy with this, and thought I'd finally be rid of that darned anxiety! Again, ha ha.
I had 2 wonderful, anxiety free weekend days after I stopped taking the medication. And then, on Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I would lay down, try to relax, and get this crazy adrenaline surge. I'd get up, read, and try again. Same thing. More adrenaline. I got myself so worked up that I didn't sleep all night, and was throwing up. I had a conference for work that week, and knew I needed to be functioning at my highest level, not experiencing full-on panic for hours on end. I saw both my counselor and my doctor, and my doctor gave me a short-term medication that I could take if I was having a panic attack. We discussed the possibility of going on a long-term medication, but I was convinced that the problem was now going OFF the blood pressure meds, and that I could handle the anxious thoughts on my own if I had medication for the panic attacks. My blood pressure was high at the time...but considering I had been in a panicked state for 2 days, that made sense.
I had one more "bad" anxiety day in June...not panic...but anxiety that felt more like depression. I think part of that day was looking at my life through the filter of anxiety...which made me sad. But at that point, I was pretty sure that I would need to go on a more long-term medication. I actually didn't have any more panic attacks, and only needed to take my short-term medication twice. When I went back to my doctor in July, we decided that I should go on a long-term medication. My blood pressure was still high, so she doubled my beta blocker blood pressure medication. After taking the double dose, I didn't sleep well, and the next day I was really dragging. And then, I got really anxious, and panicked...and I felt depressed about the anxiety. It felt like the world had just started spinning off its axis, and I couldn't even really get out of bed. This lasted for 3 days. I think some of it was the extra beta blocker, some of it the anxiety..and some of it just me. They were the hardest 3 days of my life. I wondered if I would ever be able to function normally again. I saw myself being hospitalized for anxiety...and even institutionalized. It was sad, and scary and hard. After talking to my doctor again, she stopped the double-dose of the beta blocker, and decided that we would deal with the anxiety first, and then take care of the blood pressure. I slowly started to feel better.
That was 2 months ago. As the long-term medication has kicked in for me, I've begun to feel much better. But I still have anxious times. And my anxious thoughts have been more serious. I've questioned the existence of God, I've wondered if I'm just going to continue to get worse and commit suicide, I've wondered if I'm living in some kind of alternate reality...and I've felt completely, and absolutely out of control. It's hard. But, the good news is that I'm much better physically, and I'm getting there mentally and spiritually. I have a "toolbox" of things that help me combat the anxiety. And 90% of the time...I'm back to my happy, adjusted, non-anxious self.
So what does my anxiety feel like? It's hard to describe. Physically, the panic feels like I am extremely nervous about something. The adrenaline, racing heart, short of breath feeling. Mentally and spiritually...it feels hopeless. Like it will never end. As if the world has suddenly become dark and bad, and will never be the same again. Like life will never be the same and isn't worth living. Like there is no God, and no happiness in the world. I'm convinced that J.K. Rowling must struggle with anxiety and panic attacks...because the best way I can describe it is like the description of the Dementor's kiss from Harry Potter. Like your soul is being sucked out...you'll never be happy again, all negative and sad thoughts, etc. For me, it doesn't usually last that long. Not more than a few minutes..to an hour or so. But when it is there...it's rough. I haven't experienced that type of panic in awhile and I am thankful for it.
So that is where I am. I'll keep writing...as I want to convey not just the story of my anxiety...but how it has affected me...both for good and the bad. For now though...thanks for listening!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Picking Up Where I Left Off (Sort of)
So I bet you've been wondering where I've been for the past 7 months, dear blog readers. No? Well, I don't really blame you. To be honest, I've been kind of wondering where I've been, too. Thanks to Anxiety, Panic Attacks, and Hormones (and no, I'm not pregnant!). And trust me, I'll be writing on those topics soon. Too many people try to present a perfect life on blogs...and just hide the tough times. Me? I just disappear. But I want to write about what I've been through, in the hopes that it can provide hope to others. I just don't know what that will look like yet. The past 3 months of my life have been so difficult. But I think I'm coming through it OK, thanks to the Lord's provision of modern medicine, wise counsel, loyal friends, and a most faithful, supporting, and loving husband.
The best part is that even in the midst of this tough time, there have been some beautiful moments, and lots of fun times! A few of those are:
The best part is that even in the midst of this tough time, there have been some beautiful moments, and lots of fun times! A few of those are:
- A fun visit from my cousin and her family
- An awesome vacation at Hilton Head with J and my family
- A quick trip to Jacksonville to see J's family
- The Olympics!
- A fabulous meal at Volt
- Hosting 5 dinner parties with great food and great friends
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Characters
I've always been a bit of a voracious reader. As a child, I loved the idea that books took you to another world. Truthfully, I guess that is what I still love about books. And while I do like the idea of a book providing some sort of personal edification (like the books we read in Book Club), I think I actually read books purely for entertainment. I am not ashamed to admit that I much prefer a book with a good story to one that makes me think. I love a juicy novel, a beach read...and (shhhh!) even the occasional trashy romance. Though I have gotten pretty tired of the standard trite, trashy romance plot.
In the past few years, I've turned to audiobooks to pass the time during my commute. I've calculated that I spend roughly 10-12 hours commuting a week between Baltimore, Beltsville, and Annapolis. Audiobooks are a great way to be entertained, particularly when I'm sitting in stop and go traffic on I-95. I really love epic, sweeping sagas that involve travel, intrigue, romance, and thrills. I also listen to a lot of political thrillers.
Back in the spring of 2010, I was looking for something new to listen to, and stumbled upon Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. It was billed as a historical romance. When I read that it involved time traveling, I almost passed it over for something else. I'm usually not a fan of sci-fi romance-ish books...they are usually a bit unbelievable for me. Beautiful, independent modern woman travels back in time and falls for chauvinistic, but caring Norse warrior (or some such nonsense). Outlander is 40 hrs long...but the fact that it was one of the most highly rated audiobooks on Audible.com won me over. And I'm so glad! It's one of those books where the characters just jump off the page (or in my case out of the speakers). Over the past year and a half, I've downloaded and listened to all 7 books in the series. I thought the series had been complete for awhile, and that there were about 10 books. That is, until I did some research and realized that my current download, Echo in the Bone, is the last completed book in the series. The author is currently working on the 8th book. When I discovered this piece of information, I had about 6 hours to go in number 7 and was somewhat distraught!
As I slowly dragged out listening to the last part of the book, I realized how much I've come to regard these characters as friends. I know it sounds odd, but these are characters that I've been listening to for a year and a half. They've been with me on road trips, long commutes, and occasional middle-of-the-night insomnia attacks. And I'm distraught that it will likely be another year and a half until I will hear from them again! In this world of portable On-Demand everything...it's hard for me to accept that I can't just go download the next book to find out how my friends are doing and have them in my life again!
I guess it is because the characters are so human; and so likeable. I'm finding that my favorite type of entertainment is that which entertains me AND makes me think at the same time. Take Downton Abbey, for instance. It took me awhile to jump on the bandwagon, but once I did...I'm so there! On the outside, it seems to be a British "period soap opera", but it is truly the characters and their development that make the show so compelling. We want to find out what happens plot-wise, but also want to check in with characters that feel like real people and friends.
I hope that you have "friends" like mine that entertain you and keep you company. While I anxiously await news of Jamie, Claire, Lord John, Brianna, Roger, Jem, William, Ian, and Rachel...I guess I'll have to make do and go back in time (ha ha) with Gabaldon's Lord John series. A few of the characters are the same...and hopefully that will tide me over for awhile!
In the past few years, I've turned to audiobooks to pass the time during my commute. I've calculated that I spend roughly 10-12 hours commuting a week between Baltimore, Beltsville, and Annapolis. Audiobooks are a great way to be entertained, particularly when I'm sitting in stop and go traffic on I-95. I really love epic, sweeping sagas that involve travel, intrigue, romance, and thrills. I also listen to a lot of political thrillers.
Back in the spring of 2010, I was looking for something new to listen to, and stumbled upon Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. It was billed as a historical romance. When I read that it involved time traveling, I almost passed it over for something else. I'm usually not a fan of sci-fi romance-ish books...they are usually a bit unbelievable for me. Beautiful, independent modern woman travels back in time and falls for chauvinistic, but caring Norse warrior (or some such nonsense). Outlander is 40 hrs long...but the fact that it was one of the most highly rated audiobooks on Audible.com won me over. And I'm so glad! It's one of those books where the characters just jump off the page (or in my case out of the speakers). Over the past year and a half, I've downloaded and listened to all 7 books in the series. I thought the series had been complete for awhile, and that there were about 10 books. That is, until I did some research and realized that my current download, Echo in the Bone, is the last completed book in the series. The author is currently working on the 8th book. When I discovered this piece of information, I had about 6 hours to go in number 7 and was somewhat distraught!
As I slowly dragged out listening to the last part of the book, I realized how much I've come to regard these characters as friends. I know it sounds odd, but these are characters that I've been listening to for a year and a half. They've been with me on road trips, long commutes, and occasional middle-of-the-night insomnia attacks. And I'm distraught that it will likely be another year and a half until I will hear from them again! In this world of portable On-Demand everything...it's hard for me to accept that I can't just go download the next book to find out how my friends are doing and have them in my life again!
I guess it is because the characters are so human; and so likeable. I'm finding that my favorite type of entertainment is that which entertains me AND makes me think at the same time. Take Downton Abbey, for instance. It took me awhile to jump on the bandwagon, but once I did...I'm so there! On the outside, it seems to be a British "period soap opera", but it is truly the characters and their development that make the show so compelling. We want to find out what happens plot-wise, but also want to check in with characters that feel like real people and friends.
I hope that you have "friends" like mine that entertain you and keep you company. While I anxiously await news of Jamie, Claire, Lord John, Brianna, Roger, Jem, William, Ian, and Rachel...I guess I'll have to make do and go back in time (ha ha) with Gabaldon's Lord John series. A few of the characters are the same...and hopefully that will tide me over for awhile!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
The Quiet Season
I imagine I am in the minority, but I really love the "quiet" of winter that settles in during January and typically continues into February. Though, if I'm honest with myself, I really just love the seasons as they change. Except summer. I have a bias against summer...for some reason we don't really get along! In January and February, it always seems like life slows down a bit. Maybe it is just the comparison of January to December (usually the busiest month of all!), but I like having time here and there where I have nothing planned. That is a rarity in my current life.
My last 2 winters have been a bit busy (2010-just got engaged, 2011-settling into marriage and our new home), so I'm happy that this one is a bit quieter. I also tend to get a nesting instinct in January...lots of cleaning, organizing, and cooking. After a busy fall, I love looking at my calendar and seeing weekends with only one or two obligations or engagements, if any at all. Life settles back into a routine in January/February, and that is where I am most comfortable. It feels a bit like I have a chance to catch up on rest, life, and priorities.
So far this winter, our weather hasn't quite felt like winter. Though I generally complain when it is bitterly cold, this year I am missing the week or two where we have temps that don't go above freezing. Those are the times that I most enjoy hot baths, hot drinks, soup, and snuggling under a down comforter. We've had a few cold nights this year, but nothing like years past! However, I am happy to do without the snows and blizzards of the past few years. A fair trade-off, I suppose.
So while I have some social engagements, performances, and fun things planned for the next few months, you're most likely to find me somewhere in my house cooking, cleaning, or some other form of being domestic. Or watching a movie in preparation for the Oscars. We've got about 7 more left to see before the big show (and our big party). Guess I'll be preparing for that in the coming weeks, as well!
My last 2 winters have been a bit busy (2010-just got engaged, 2011-settling into marriage and our new home), so I'm happy that this one is a bit quieter. I also tend to get a nesting instinct in January...lots of cleaning, organizing, and cooking. After a busy fall, I love looking at my calendar and seeing weekends with only one or two obligations or engagements, if any at all. Life settles back into a routine in January/February, and that is where I am most comfortable. It feels a bit like I have a chance to catch up on rest, life, and priorities.
So far this winter, our weather hasn't quite felt like winter. Though I generally complain when it is bitterly cold, this year I am missing the week or two where we have temps that don't go above freezing. Those are the times that I most enjoy hot baths, hot drinks, soup, and snuggling under a down comforter. We've had a few cold nights this year, but nothing like years past! However, I am happy to do without the snows and blizzards of the past few years. A fair trade-off, I suppose.
So while I have some social engagements, performances, and fun things planned for the next few months, you're most likely to find me somewhere in my house cooking, cleaning, or some other form of being domestic. Or watching a movie in preparation for the Oscars. We've got about 7 more left to see before the big show (and our big party). Guess I'll be preparing for that in the coming weeks, as well!
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