Rerunning an important topic

Ok, so I was perusing my xanga site from this time last year, and found this blog. I think I have some new readers since then, so I thought I'd repost this since I liked it so much last year. I still feel exactly the same way, and this has been one of the thoughts running through my head recently.

Busyness

Ahh. Now that I have a few non-busy moments... I can write about busyness. :) On Tuesday, I was putting together a calendar to go on the refrigerator at our house. I realized that in order to plan events for the next few weeks, it would be good for us to have a "master" calendar, color-coded by person (I'm such a dork!), with all of our activities until after Christmas. As I was creating the calendar I saw how incredibly busy everyone in my house is. And the first emotion I felt was pride. "Look at how busy we are! Goodness, my roommates are such important people! And I'm an important person, too! We have so much to do at work, for Chorale, and socially. We're so popular! I bet other people want to be just like us!" And then I realized that I had fallen into the mindset of today's American Culture. The busier you are, the more important you are. And that is where you should find your significance.

I was glad that I realized the error of my mindset so quickly (I would have to attribute that to the Holy Spirit). Oftentimes, when I fall into this kind of mindset, it takes some kind of crash and burn event for me to realize that I'm in it.

I think that the idea of busyness=importance=significance is bred into us by today's society. It can start in youth sports... "You only play T-ball? Well, I play T-ball and soccer."...continue on into high school "The more extra curricular activities you have, the better college you're going to get into"...become magnified in college "Oh my goodness! I have 8 tests, 2 papers, a track meet, a sorority council meeting, a band concert, and I have to stand on my head for 2 hours! You only have 5 tests and 3 papers? Well, I guess I'm more important..." and is there through every stage of life. I've only listed the ones I've experienced and moved through so far.

College was when my eyes were really opened to this. Everyone was running around like crazy, stretched way too thin- a mile wide and an inch deep. And, everyone was always competing about who was busiest. I'm guessing that's because we find our significance in how busy we are. We want to find our significance somewhere, and a busy schedule is an easy place to find it, instead of our identity in Christ.

Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not saying it's necessarily wrong to be busy. This isn't a cheesy line about "Jesus is the reason for the season...don't be so busy that you forget about Him!" or anything like that. I like being busy. I always have. Not because I try to find my significance there (although I do struggle with that occasionally), but because I love living life at a fast pace. I need downtime occasionally, but for the most part I like to stay on the go. I think the key is what you are spending your time doing. If it's not something you enjoy, or something that brings glory to God, then maybe it's something that is done just for the sake of being busy. And, being busy is different when you have a family, too. I can stay really busy because I'm single. There is no one else who depends on me for my time. If I had a family right now, I know my life would look different, and it would be exactly how it should be...and busy in a different way.

But, at the same time, I know I shouldn't be so busy that I don't have time for God. And I struggle with that, too. Thankfully, I had some pretty good discipline knocked into my head about that in college, so I understand its importance. I also know that it's important to slow down sometimes. I have a habit of turning on the tv for background noise because I don't like silence. However, I've learned that silent times are when God speaks to me most, and I'm most able to discern my true thoughts on things. I think this is why one of my favorite times of the day is right before I go to sleep at night. It's silent, and I'm very in tune to my thoughts with no distractions (well...except for the cat trying to smother me).

After all that rambling, I think my basic thoughts for myself and others are these:

1. Don't try to find your significance in the importance of being busy
2. There is nothing inherently wrong with being busy if it's for the right reasons
3. Busy people need to slow down occasionally.

And on that note, I guess I need to get back to my busy life!

A Blog About Blogging

Every now and then, I start to wonder why I have a blog. I think the purpose is two-fold: to update friends and family who are far away, and to have a place to write my thoughts on various subjects. It's that external processing trait, I suppose.

Anyway, I've recently had all kinds of thoughts rolling around in my head that I want to blog about. However, now that I can no longer track who reads my blog (the downside to leaving xanga), I'm a bit more wary of writing about my personal thoughts/life. And really, my professional life is far from interesting...:) It's odd that I don't mind strangers reading my personal thoughts, but thinking about an acquaintance reading them is scary! Even when I get somewhat personal/sappy/emotional, nothing I write is different from what I would say to someone in person, even someone who is just an acquaintance. So why am I concerned about that same type of person reading my thoughts online? I think it's because there is no feedback, no opportunity to defend my opinions or thoughts. Someone can read what I write and make an instant judgment without asking me to explain further or clarify points that might seem harsh or strange. I know that's what blog comments are for, but I haven't really had anyone question what I've said in comments in a long time.

What's funny is that most of the things I want to write about are subjects that I've touched on before on my blog. Most of them are in the xanga archives. The sad thing is that I don't think I have anything new to say on those subjects. I guess I keep revisiting the same thoughts...I'm not sure if that is good or bad. Am I so boring that I can't think of new subjects to write about, or even new thoughts on old subjects?

Basically, I think I'm trying to explain my lack of thoughful writing in the past few weeks/months. Perhaps I'll go to just blogging about interesting events that happen. It seems that I'm striving for some kind of organization to this blog. That probably isn't going to happen, but I'll at least play around with the idea in my head!

Zombiefied

For some reason, I feel like a walking zombie these days. I imagine most of it has to do with the goo that has decided to inhabit my sinus cavities and drip down into my throat. It's been around for about two weeks, and I can't seem to shake it.

Since I came home from Thanksgiving, I feel a bit like I'm walking around in a fog. The drive back was not too bad, but it still wore me out. I haven't stopped since. Tonight I am running and then have the rest of the evening free. I think my one project for the night will be laundry.

Such an interesting post I am writing here! I think I'll blame it on my zombie state...

A Homeland Thanksgiving

Well now. It's been nice to be back in SC for another Thanksgiving. I'm on 3 years in a row, and each one has been a little bit the same, and a little bit different. My family is good at making and breaking traditions.

Yesterday, we had a typically delicious Thanksgiving meal. I made the turkey (sticking with tradition...I've been the turkey girl since I was in high school). In the early evening, my mom and I began the cheese straw factory. We did the same last year. After 3 hours, I must say that I am very tired of cheese! However, this year we had the process down pat, so it was not as strenuous!

Today, Mama, Daddy and I went to the State Museum to see a few exhibits. I really love going there, but it is a bit spooky because I'm expecting to see the ghost of 8 year old Page around the corner...oh wait. That's just the SC history movie that was made for the museum. I am just around the corner! Seriously, my Dad used to work at the museum, and I spent countless hours there as a child- exploring, playing, and hopefully not getting into trouble. So, I could just see young Page wandering the halls again. It made me smile.

Afterwards, we went to an old mansion down in Lower Richland county. It's called Kensington, and is an absolutely amazing house! We took a tour, and looked around the grounds. I'll post a picture or two tomorrow.

Then, my Dad and I headed out to a trail through the woods along Congaree Creek. It's a beautiful trail, and we got some exercise! I'll post pictures of those tomorrow, too. Currently, Daddy is in the kitchen making cookies. I'd better get in there if I want to get a spoonful of dough before they all get baked...

Reflecting

There are some things in life that cause me to look back and reflect on my past...where I am now, where I was, and where I might have been. Music, holidays, and annual traditions are some of the things that make me reflect on the past.

As many blogs as I've written trying to explain my love for/passion for/irresitable pull towards music (look back at the xanga archives if you feel like it), I can never quite capture it in words. Which makes sense when I realize that my connection to music is more emotional than anything else, and thus is difficult to describe in words. Anyway, when I hear a musical work or song that I've performed in the past, it always takes me back to that place. Last night, the Palestrina motet Sicut Cervus came up on my ipod. Until this fall, I hadn't sung this piece since we went to Italy in college. The first time I sang it again this year, it took me right back to our performance in St. Peters. I love the piece...partially because of the musical content, but also because of the words. It's a Latin version of Psalm 42...as the deer...beautiful words set to beautiful music...can we really ask for more than that? I was just struck by the way music can take me right back to another time.

Holidays and traditions do the same thing. I always think, "Last year at this time I...". Especially since college, I'm able to mark the holidays by what was going on that year. For example, my first year in Annapolis, first year in my new job, etc. Last year at this time, I had no idea that I would have a new job, or have finished a marathon by now. It's interesting to me to see what stays the same year to year, and what changes. It's kind of exciting...who knows what's in the Lord's plan for me next year?

Well, in just a few minutes I'm headed to SC for Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

Consumerism

On my xanga blog, I've written a few posts in the past few years about my love/hate relationship with material things. I won't repeat those, but a startling thing occurred to me this week (ok, maybe it was only startling to me). I started thinking about some of the material things I value most. A number of things that topped the list were things that have been given to me, or are secondhand. Take my watch, for example. It's a Bulova watch, but it was my grandmother's. She got in in about 1960, and it's a wind-up watch. It's one of my favorite things that I have. Other jewelry is up there too... my other grandmother's pearls, 25th anniversary band, etc.

An odd thing that was on the list that spiked my curiousity is my Messiah score. Clearly, it does not have the monetary value of my jewelry, but it has sentimental value. When I first joined the Chorale, someone I didn't know very well gave me her old score to use because I was very new and didn't have one. Even after the new ones came in to purchase, she told me to keep hers. She has since become a very good friend, and I still have her score. She has been a member of the Chorale for many years, and it makes me smile to think of the many Messiah performances, snafus, and laughs this score has seen. I keep having the opportunity to purchase a new one, but I like the one I have. I will probably get it spiral-bound this year, though. It's an odd thing to be attached to, but the attachment is there nonetheless.

Anyway, I think the secondhand idea is part of the reason antiques are so popular. I still have my mom's bedroom suite that she got when she was in high school. I have no reason to get a new one...actually the old one is much better quality than anything I could afford today.

So, why are we still so driven to desire new things? I think there are many factors that go into this....but it's worth thinking about. What are some of the secondhand things that you value?

Highlights

The past week or so has been a bit wild for me. Work's been busy, life's been busy...it's an all around busy time! I'm enjoying it, though. I finally got back to running last night. When I get busy, exercise is unfortunately the first thing to go. That's sad, but it's my life, I guess.

At chorale, we've moved on to Christmas music and Messiah. I love singing all of this music for a number of reasons. It's not difficult, it's familiar, and it all makes me think about Christmas. Messiah is a bit more challenging, but still familiar and fun.

I was thinking this weekend that I really live in a place where I can have the best of both worlds. On Friday, I went into DC with some work friends for dinner. We hung out a friends' condo for a little while afterwards. On Saturday, I went to a brunch prior to the MRE/Annapolis Tug O War. To learn more about the tug, click here. Eastport, the section of Annapolis that I technically live in, is quite an interesting and eclectic place. It's across Spa Creek from Annapolis, and is very sailing-oriented and laid-back. There is a whole culture surrounding Eastport that is hard to describe, but very enchanting. I love it. Although I don't live in "Eastport proper", we have been checking out houses there.

Living in Annapolis, I have the laid-back sailing attitude and the charm that goes with a town on the Chesapeake. I live 1/2 mile from the water. DC is 30 miles away. Baltimore is 40 miles away. In the past few months I've had the opportunity to water ski, rock climb, eat at a Brazilian Steak House in DC, eat at Little Italy in Baltimore, go sailing on a Naval Academy boat, go to a Navy Football game, sing a major choral work, and hear a world-renowned conductor in my own backyard.

I am blessed to live where I do. I think there will always be a bit of wanderlust in me...a restless part of me is always going to want to move on to the next place. I hope, however, that I will always feel the happiness and contentment that I feel living in Annapolis.

Flexibility

I have never been particularly good at being flexible. Whether physically (I had to be the most inflexible gymnast ever... I could barely do a split!), or mentally. It's hard to find a balance between being flexible to meet the needs of others and standing up for yourself so you don't become a doormat. More often than not, I tend to fall out on the end of standing up for myself too much.

Recently, events have challenged my inflexible side. Particularly when it comes to my schedule. I live and die by the schedule on my palm pilot. With my crazy life, it's the only way I can keep things straight. My one frustration with my job is that, in a sense, I am not in control of my schedule. As a trainer, our Account Execs schedule trainings for me. So, I may come into work in the morning thinking that I have 2 trainings that day, and by the end of the day I've had 4. It's difficult to prepare mentally for those kinds of days. I'm learning to deal with it, however. I do my best to stay in control of my schedule, but often it spirals out of my control!

I think life does it's best to teach us flexibility. Just when we think we have things under control, we have to adapt and change to something new, sometimes with very little time to prepare. I'm learning more and more about this...

On a lighter note, I have a busy weekend/week coming up. I'm house sitting until Sunday, Friday night I'm going into DC for dinner with some friends from work, and Saturday is the annual Tug o War between Eastport and Annapolis. I'm tagging along with Maureen to a party she attends every year that begins at 9 AM. Next week is already full with trainings for work, and the weekend following that is pretty full as well. I guess it is all a warm-up for the Holiday season...rehearsal after rehearsal and concert after concert! Oh, and prepping for a giant party in between all of those singing commitments...

A Touch of Chaos

Chaotic. That's a good word to describe my weekend. It began on Friday afternoon as I was driving home on Rt. 50. Someone rear-ended me. Thankfully, I was fine, and so was my trusty Saturn. I thought I had been hit fairly hard, but apparently a plastic bumper tends to resist damage.

On to the Brahms Requiem Friday night. From an audience standpoint- it was decent. A couple of shaky moments where the wheels almost came off the bus, but nothing terribly noticeable. From my standpoint- terrible. I was in a bad frame of mind to start with because of where I was standing, and I had created such high expectations for this performance being enjoyable. It was not fun for me at all. I have never been so ready for a concert that I'm performing in to be over. The ladies in front of me were always flat and behind the tempo. One woman held over into almost every rest. It was frustrating, considering the drama that had gone on the night before.

On to Saturday. I shopped with my mom and tried to have a relaxing day. More than anything, I just wanted Saturday night's performance to be over. 30 minutes before it was time to leave, I was desperately searching through my closets for both of my long black skirts. I couldn't find either of them. It was frustrating not because I wanted to wear them, but because I was afraid I had given $150 of black skirt away to Goodwill! Finally, after getting flustered and annoyed, I found them clinging to another set of skirts in the closet. I put on the skirt and resigned myself to singing the last night of the Brahms.

When it was time to sing, an amazing thing happened. I had such low expectations of the evening and the concert (Friday night was such a frustrating experience that I was convinced Saturday would not be fun), that I didn't really care what was going on around me. As the bad singing started to fade away and this strange energy started to envelop the chorus, I actually began to enjoy myself and the music. By the second movement, for the first time since I performed this piece 5 years ago, I was into singing it. It was no longer about notes and rhythms, but the character of the piece. I think the audience enjoyed it as well. It seemed much better than Friday evening.

I think a pre-concert prayer helped as well. A few of us gathered to just pray...specifically for us to not be concerned with ourselves, but with His plan for the piece. I prayed for peace and joy, and finally during the 2nd movement, that came. The lesson I learned this weekend is that I have to stop putting expectations on my enjoyment of concerts and performing, and stop trying so hard to enjoy them. If it's meant to happen, it will.

Concert Week Conflama

I love singing in the chorus that I do. It's fun, sometimes challenging, and usually musically fulfilling. Unfortunately, my least favorite part of singing occurs the week before a concert. Everyone is often a bit on edge, and some people get very territorial about where they sit on the risers. I don't have a specific preference, but I am usually concerned about who is seated around me. For a chorus that can sound as good as we do, we have some people who have serious pitch and tone issues. And of course, they are usually the ones who sing the loudest. So, as long as I am not near those folks, I'm usually pretty happy.

The only time I've had anyone in the chorus be anything but pleasant to me is when it comes time to line up on the risers. I sing in a small group called the chamber chorus that is sometimes grouped in the middle of the stage. My very first concert, the chamber chorus was told to get in the middle of the stage. So I did. The woman behind me complained and complained that I was too tall, somewhat rudely asked if I was in the chamber chorus, and then proceeded to declare me a giantess. At 5'7". I wasn't even wearing heels that night...

Last year, I was instructed to make sure there was room in the middle risers for two of our better sopranos. In the process of trying to do that, I was chewed out and told that I must think I'm "special" because I'm in the chamber chorus.

After these two incidents in the past few years, I decided that I'm not going to get in an argument with anyone about where I sit. If we back up and look at it in perspective...does it really have any eternal value? I just get frustrated because I know I've worked hard to learn the music and improve my voice, and it's hard to sing the best I can if I'm not in a good spot. However, after last night, I'm giving up my noble idea of not fighting for my spot.

To make a long story short, after another fairly rude interaction with a chorus member (who was in the wrong place anyway), I just didn't want to cause a scene and not move. So, I moved to the very outside on the very back row with a friend of mine. We tried to move closer in, but couldn't get by without making a scene. So, essentially it felt like we were singing into paper bags. Both of us were frustrated and annoyed that we had been forced out of the spot we thought would have worked better for us, and where we were to begin with.

These concert week dramas are starting to wear on me. I dread them. Those of you that know me well know that I hate conflict. I'll do just about anything to avoid it...including walking out of the room. So, it's sad that it seems I have to go through some form of conflict to get to do what I love. Once we get to the concert (for the most part) I'm fine. It sometimes makes me want to quit singing in this chorus. I ponder it, but I know that I would not be happy the rest of the time if I were not. So, I guess I'll put up with the obnoxiousness that is our seating arrangements and just try to sing my best, even if I know it could be better.

Insanity Among Us

Some days, like today, I don't know what I would do without my crazy singing friends. We all have a bit of a different sense of humor (think plays on words, not slapstick humor), and often get into multiple email exchanges throughout the day.

Today's topics? The seating arrangement for our concert tonight, what we should (or shouldn't) wear for our Holiday Pops Concert in December, and various other funny statements. After about 50 or so emails, a friend came back to her computer after not checking email and summarized the discussions with this:

"Whew!!!!!! It's taken me the last 15 minutes to read all the correspondence! So much happens in the five+ hours I can't be on the computer. Let me see if I've got this straight....

1. I'm an a**, but I'm not sure if I'm a red one or a blue one. (This is getting very political sounding to me. Do I have to be liberal or conservative? Suppose I want to be a libertarian; am I then a yellow a**? I'm so confused! :( ) Page's editorial comment: Another friend was thinking about rearranging the seating for us to sound better...when it got arranged to mix altos in with sopranos it looked like the word a** because "a" designated alto and "s" designated soprano. Red meant chamber chorus, blue meant everyone else. Someone made the comment that it looked like a bunch of a**es...go figure. :)

2. We're going with a uniform designed by the Quacker that has snowflakes on it. Do I get to wear my snowflake crown? (Did anybody notice that the Quacker was actually dressed fairly normal last night? Maybe Halloween is her night to be normal!)

3. I don't know what edited out soprano name said to you, , but I was very glad to get away from her in our move...talk about an a**...she's a real pain in one!

4. As for the seating...the move was a good one for me because the sound from behind me improved when we changed. I had never realized before, because we all sit together at rehearsal, how bad the soprano section truly sounds. The grouping of the CC within the full chorus sounds good to me, also. However, it will be whatever is deemed necessary.

5. After a post Halloween day with sugared-up 14 year olds, your emails were a welcome respite."

So, I know most of that doesn't make sense....but wow! It's a great way to get through an otherwise insane day!