**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I
hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my
thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of
categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on
forever! If you are just now catching up, you should go back and read my first post about my anxiety story.**
***Also,
I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or
endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping
mechanisms and medications work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is
different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a
licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies
that work best for you.***
I have only recently started to explore the spiritual reasons for and implications of my anxiety. I think this is because I spent the first 9 months of my anxiety struggles trying to figure out what was wrong with me physically. And then when the panic began, I was just trying to survive. Once I accepted my anxiety as a mental fact, I began to process the "Why's". Why am I afraid of having a serious illness? Why am I anxious about not being in control? Why am I afraid of the unknown? Why am I afraid of dying? And then one day, in the midst of being pseudo-convinced that I had ovarian cancer (I don't, by the way)...I thought, "If I am afraid of this disease, then I must be afraid of dying." This was a frightening revelation to me, because it let me know that my faith in God and His Promises must not be as strong as I had assumed.
Faith is something it seems I have always had...even before I knew Christ, I believed in God. There was never a question in my life about that; even as a child. So questioning my faith was likely one of the scariest things I have ever done. This first revelation that I might not be believing God's promises occurred a few days before I started taking long-term medication. Then, I had a few weeks of struggling with the physical aspects of anxiety. Getting out of bed in the morning felt scary. I began to pray more, and the phrase I repeated to myself over and over was "His mercies are new every morning". During that time, I desperately needed those new mercies. Then, one day while driving home on the interstate in a thunderstorm, I looked at the sky and thought, "What if God doesn't exist? What if the world is completely out of control, and things just...happen? What if when we die, we just die?". And, Whoa. It felt like my whole world just disintegrated. A belief I had held and never questioned in my whole life no longer felt rock solid.
I didn't lose my faith. But ever since then, my complete faith in God sometimes feels uncertain. But oh, how I have sought Him and spent time with Him since then! Sometimes I feel anxious when I seek Him, or spend time in the Word. All of the things people have said to me in the past to refute the existence of God have popped into my head. Scientific things, mental things...that we as humans have created a God that meets our needs so that we have something to hold onto. That when it seems prayers are answered, it is just a coincidence. That since there is no physical evidence or proof of a God, that He must not exist. In those thoughts, I am trying to understand the mysteries of God that can't be understood by humans. That is why He tells us to trust Him, not to lean on our own understanding, I guess!
This new development in my experience with anxiety has been the most difficult. Mainly because it is something I can never be truly certain about. At least in the physical sense. With anxiety about illness, I can go to a doctor and get checked out and cleared. With the panic and physical feelings of anxiety, I can calm myself down on my own or with medication. But the existence of God? How can I prove that to myself? The ultimate issue is that I can't prove it to myself...only He can.
And I trust that He will. When I question the existence of God...I know that I do not truly believe He doesn't exist. It is just a FEAR that He doesn't exist! If I don't believe He is there, why am I praying to Him, begging Him to speak to me? Why do I worship Him in song? Why do I present my requests for healing to Him? I have not been actively seeking Him regularly for awhile, and I know that is part of the reason my faith has been so easily shaken. And in being brought so low with the anxiety, the only place I can turn is to Jesus.
I am not a patient person. So when I have the fears and thoughts that God doesn't exist, I want Him to prove Himself to me immediately. But He doesn't work that way. The other day I kept thinking, "Why isn't there a magic medication I can take to make me believe in the existence of God?" But there isn't...and part of me is glad there isn't. God can only prove Himself to me by having me spend time with Him. It's a relationship. And when I pray, though sometimes I still wonder if I am just talking to myself, there have been enough of my prayers answered in the past few weeks that I feel my faith is being renewed and rebuilt brick by brick. It will take time for Him to heal and restore me, and I have to be ok with that. In the meantime, I will continue to seek Him...in prayer, and in His Word, and in His people.
I would appreciate your prayers...whether you are a friend, a stranger, or an acquaintance. Pray that the Lord would continue to reveal Himself and His heart to me...and that I would be receptive to Him. Pray that He would continue to heal my anxious heart. And pray that above all, He would use this whole situation to glorify Himself.
Hopefully, I'll be back soon with some of my practical coping skills for anxiety. But for now, thanks for reading these long posts!
Showing posts with label Spiritual Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual Life. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, May 9, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 New Years' Resolutions
Here they are...my Resolutions for 2011! Most are repeats from last year that I really want to complete. When I made my resolutions last year, I had no idea how hectic 2010 would be with a wedding, buying a house, etc. I am hoping for more time in 2011 to be disciplined in my resolutions, and ultimately, in my life!
1. Complete a 365 Day Photo Project - While sometimes a bit of a burden to take a photo every day, for the 2 months I completed this last year, I really enjoyed it. It is especially entertaining to look back on the photos and remember those days. This year, in preparation, I have a great new point-and-shoot camera, a working way to transfer the photos to my computer, and a battery charger. So...unless I lose any of those items again...I have no excuses for not completing the project this year!
2. Read the Bible through in a Year- Again, like last year, this is something I really want to do...and would benefit me greatly as a daily devotional. Enough said.
3. Make it a priority to have at least one "date night" with my husband a week- Currently we have tried to set aside Tuesday as "date night". Perhaps I can use the blog to keep me accountable on this...let's hope by the end of the year I have 52 "Date Night" posts. Hmmm.
4. Run/Exercise at least 3 times a week- In 2010, I probably managed to average exercising 2 times a week after taking a month off after the Goofy Challenge. Since I mentioned in my last post that I've gained 7 pounds since this time last year (2 over the course of the year...5 since the wedding and our gluttony-filled honeymoon), I really need to have some discipline in my running. It really is the best way for me to stay fit and at a healthy weight. I'm signing up for a March half-marathon to jump-start my January with some long runs and a reason to train!
5. Lose the 7 pounds I've gained since last year. My clothes fit the same..but I feel "blah" and blob-ish. Time for some January clean-slate healthy eating and exercise motivation!
So, as you can see, I'm trying to be a little more conservative this year, and hopefully I'll be able to complete these year long projects!
1. Complete a 365 Day Photo Project - While sometimes a bit of a burden to take a photo every day, for the 2 months I completed this last year, I really enjoyed it. It is especially entertaining to look back on the photos and remember those days. This year, in preparation, I have a great new point-and-shoot camera, a working way to transfer the photos to my computer, and a battery charger. So...unless I lose any of those items again...I have no excuses for not completing the project this year!
2. Read the Bible through in a Year- Again, like last year, this is something I really want to do...and would benefit me greatly as a daily devotional. Enough said.
3. Make it a priority to have at least one "date night" with my husband a week- Currently we have tried to set aside Tuesday as "date night". Perhaps I can use the blog to keep me accountable on this...let's hope by the end of the year I have 52 "Date Night" posts. Hmmm.
4. Run/Exercise at least 3 times a week- In 2010, I probably managed to average exercising 2 times a week after taking a month off after the Goofy Challenge. Since I mentioned in my last post that I've gained 7 pounds since this time last year (2 over the course of the year...5 since the wedding and our gluttony-filled honeymoon), I really need to have some discipline in my running. It really is the best way for me to stay fit and at a healthy weight. I'm signing up for a March half-marathon to jump-start my January with some long runs and a reason to train!
5. Lose the 7 pounds I've gained since last year. My clothes fit the same..but I feel "blah" and blob-ish. Time for some January clean-slate healthy eating and exercise motivation!
So, as you can see, I'm trying to be a little more conservative this year, and hopefully I'll be able to complete these year long projects!
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years' Resolutions
I don't typically put my New Years' Resolutions out on the internet...well really, I don't often even make resolutions! But this year, I've felt a bit of a need for some changes in my life...nothing major, but little ways that I would like to improve myself. I also like the idea of using the "New Year fresh start" to inject a bit more discipline into my life. I look around at my friends with kids and realize how little time they actually have to themselves. If I have kids one day, I hope that I will have used the time I have now to accomplish some small things that are easier without little mouths to feed and lives to mold. So...here are my resolutions for 2010! Let's hope I can stick to them for a little while at least...
1. Complete the 365 day Photo Project- Something about this is incredibly appealing to me. Maybe it is the idea of having a photo record of what I've done for a year...or maybe it is the thought of being disciplined enough to take at least one photo every day and post it. If I'm successful, this blog might have many more posts than in the past!
2. Read through the Bible in a year- I've had this goal for awhile. But every time I start, I lose steam after a few days/weeks and never finish. I think it's important to have read the entire thing if I am going to base my life on the Word of God, so I'd better get cracking! I found a nice plan here...perhaps having a paper copy and one online will make me more motivated!
3. For every novel that I read, read a nonfiction book- I waste a lot of time reading fiction. Some of it is good...some not. So, I think I need to incorporate some nonfiction into my reading regimen...whether a history book, biography, book on a subject I'm interested in, or a spiritual book. Since I joined J's book club, this will be a bit easier since the club occasionally reads non-fiction. Coming up soon is a biography of Huey Long. 876 pages. Think I can get away with counting that as 2 novels?
4. Stick to my savings budget- I go in and out of being good at saving money. My net worth last year fluctuated by $5000 at any given time. Sometimes I'm really good at saving...and then I go on spending sprees. This year, I'd like to even that out a bit, so I've thrown a little "cushion" money into my budget to cover my erratic spending. Instead of putting $1000 a month into savings, I'm going to attempt to put $700. Better less saved a month and kept in there than having money subject to my erratic spending habits!
5. Attempt a "No Spending" month- This goes along with number 4. As much as I detest our materialistic culture, I often get caught up in it. I'd like for March or April to be a "no spending month"...including food, eating out, coffee, clothes, books, etc. Don't worry...I'll still eat! I'd just like to see how long I can last eating out of my freezer and pantry!
6. Cook one or two recipe's from Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking for Sunday Dinner each week- So obviously, I stole this from the Julie/Julia Project blog and the book/movie of the same name. But I love French cooking, and need to have a little discipline in order to make myself cook. I am a decent cook...I can whip up a mean red sauce, put together casseroles, and cook a decent roast. But, I'd like to take my cooking skills a little further. I love cooking on Sundays because there is no pressure to be done at a certain time. I can start cooking at 3:00, and if I'm done by 5:00, then we eat then. If it's more like 7:00, that works, too. Part of what I don't enjoy about cooking is the timing. I haven't told my roommate that this is my plan (she might see it on the blog, though!)..but I don't think she will complain since she doesn't think that I cook enough. I'm starting this weekend by watching Julie and Julia and making Boeuf Bourginion. Good luck to me...
7. Oh, and what is a list of New Years' Resolutions without one to lose weight? So, I'd like to Lose 10 lbs. Ha!
So those are my goals for 2010. Again, nothing major, and all improvements I can certainly live with!
1. Complete the 365 day Photo Project- Something about this is incredibly appealing to me. Maybe it is the idea of having a photo record of what I've done for a year...or maybe it is the thought of being disciplined enough to take at least one photo every day and post it. If I'm successful, this blog might have many more posts than in the past!
2. Read through the Bible in a year- I've had this goal for awhile. But every time I start, I lose steam after a few days/weeks and never finish. I think it's important to have read the entire thing if I am going to base my life on the Word of God, so I'd better get cracking! I found a nice plan here...perhaps having a paper copy and one online will make me more motivated!
3. For every novel that I read, read a nonfiction book- I waste a lot of time reading fiction. Some of it is good...some not. So, I think I need to incorporate some nonfiction into my reading regimen...whether a history book, biography, book on a subject I'm interested in, or a spiritual book. Since I joined J's book club, this will be a bit easier since the club occasionally reads non-fiction. Coming up soon is a biography of Huey Long. 876 pages. Think I can get away with counting that as 2 novels?
4. Stick to my savings budget- I go in and out of being good at saving money. My net worth last year fluctuated by $5000 at any given time. Sometimes I'm really good at saving...and then I go on spending sprees. This year, I'd like to even that out a bit, so I've thrown a little "cushion" money into my budget to cover my erratic spending. Instead of putting $1000 a month into savings, I'm going to attempt to put $700. Better less saved a month and kept in there than having money subject to my erratic spending habits!
5. Attempt a "No Spending" month- This goes along with number 4. As much as I detest our materialistic culture, I often get caught up in it. I'd like for March or April to be a "no spending month"...including food, eating out, coffee, clothes, books, etc. Don't worry...I'll still eat! I'd just like to see how long I can last eating out of my freezer and pantry!
6. Cook one or two recipe's from Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking for Sunday Dinner each week- So obviously, I stole this from the Julie/Julia Project blog and the book/movie of the same name. But I love French cooking, and need to have a little discipline in order to make myself cook. I am a decent cook...I can whip up a mean red sauce, put together casseroles, and cook a decent roast. But, I'd like to take my cooking skills a little further. I love cooking on Sundays because there is no pressure to be done at a certain time. I can start cooking at 3:00, and if I'm done by 5:00, then we eat then. If it's more like 7:00, that works, too. Part of what I don't enjoy about cooking is the timing. I haven't told my roommate that this is my plan (she might see it on the blog, though!)..but I don't think she will complain since she doesn't think that I cook enough. I'm starting this weekend by watching Julie and Julia and making Boeuf Bourginion. Good luck to me...
7. Oh, and what is a list of New Years' Resolutions without one to lose weight? So, I'd like to Lose 10 lbs. Ha!
So those are my goals for 2010. Again, nothing major, and all improvements I can certainly live with!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Anonymity
I spent my lunch today reading blog posts that were exchanged through BlogSecret, a blogosphere project where bloggers anonymously wrote a secret they have been carrying around and didn't feel they could post on their own blog. While reading these posts, I became a little jealous and wished that I had participated.
Not that I have any really juicy secrets. I'm kind of a boring person in that sense. I haven't done anything shocking in my life, I'm pretty normal, and my opinions on life are fairly run of the mill. But, there is a part of me that wishes my blog was completely anonymous. That I could write about all kinds of things on an anonymous blog that I can't on this one because most people who read my blog know who I am IRL (In real life- for my non internet-speak readers). Things like my real thoughts on politics, dating experiences, issues with friends...there is something quite cathartic about writing anonymously. When I first started my blog on xanga 4 years ago, the only people who read it were strangers. It was easier then to be honest, because I knew that I would likely never meet these folks. Now, well, I know my family reads my blog, friends around the country read my blog, and I occasionally have random visitors who don't know me IRL.
**Warning..I'm going to get a little vulnerable below...proceed at your own risk!**
I think the reason I'm not completely forthcoming about things on the blog is that I am a people-pleaser. Even when I pretend to make decisions based on my own thoughts and feelings, I know a huge part of me is looking for approval from others in those decisions. I feel like I have grown up a lot in the 4 years that I've lived away from SC, not just because I moved away, but also because I've spent the last part of my twenties here...which is where many of us mature a lot anyway. Some of the decisions I've made in the past two years would have been unfathomable to me 5 years ago. I think I had a narrow view of what my life should look like, and made decisions based on the little box of values and ideals that I had created for my life. If something was outside of the box, it was out of the question.
In the past two years, I've made some decisions that have taken me outside of the box. I've matured a lot, and the person I am is very different from who I thought I was. I'm still fundamentally the same- I love Jesus, I want to see His Kingdom advanced in the world, I'm seeking God's Will for my life, my theology is the same...but practically, these things are manifesting themselves in ways that I could never have thought of 4 years ago. I'm outside of the conservative evangelical box that I built for myself, and I think that God is teaching me a lot through being oustside of the box. During the years I lived "in the box", I thought I was a very analytical introvert. Surprise! I'm really more of an extrovert...although I am pretty analytical. I saw God as giving me very strict rules to live by...and I always felt like I never measured up. I understand His grace so much more now because I don't feel bound by the rules and behaviors that I thought I was supposed to have. I feel free...and I think that was His intention for me all along...it just took a peek outside of the box for me to see it.
There is a part of me that is afraid that those who knew me when I was inside the box will be disappointed that I have not followed the traditional "in the box" path. That because my life isn't centered around a church or full-time ministry...I will be seen as someone who has "fallen away". Because that is so far from the truth. I think I love God more now than I ever did before...simply because I have seen His hand in my life in so many ways and I've learned so much by just knowing Him and not trying to make my life look like the cookie-cutter single Christian girl. My idea of a perfect evening is sitting around with friends drinking wine on our deck (or in the kitchen in the winter), discussing life. Those friends may or may not share my spiritual beliefs. I like to discuss my beliefs with them, and listen as they share what they believe. That to me is more fulfilling these days than sitting around with women who believe the same thing that I do...patting each other on the back for believing what we do, and lamenting the sad state of the world. That last statement isn't meant to be offensive...it just describes some situations that I've found myself in and what I sometimes think is expected of me as a "single Christian woman".
I guess I just long to look to God for His approval, and not the approval of man. I believe that I am living my life the way He intends for me to...and I pray that I will continue to mature and be able to hold to that and have Him be my only concern.
Anyway...for those of you who stuck with this post- thanks! See, I guess I can use this blog to write cathartically even though I'm not anonymous!
Not that I have any really juicy secrets. I'm kind of a boring person in that sense. I haven't done anything shocking in my life, I'm pretty normal, and my opinions on life are fairly run of the mill. But, there is a part of me that wishes my blog was completely anonymous. That I could write about all kinds of things on an anonymous blog that I can't on this one because most people who read my blog know who I am IRL (In real life- for my non internet-speak readers). Things like my real thoughts on politics, dating experiences, issues with friends...there is something quite cathartic about writing anonymously. When I first started my blog on xanga 4 years ago, the only people who read it were strangers. It was easier then to be honest, because I knew that I would likely never meet these folks. Now, well, I know my family reads my blog, friends around the country read my blog, and I occasionally have random visitors who don't know me IRL.
**Warning..I'm going to get a little vulnerable below...proceed at your own risk!**
I think the reason I'm not completely forthcoming about things on the blog is that I am a people-pleaser. Even when I pretend to make decisions based on my own thoughts and feelings, I know a huge part of me is looking for approval from others in those decisions. I feel like I have grown up a lot in the 4 years that I've lived away from SC, not just because I moved away, but also because I've spent the last part of my twenties here...which is where many of us mature a lot anyway. Some of the decisions I've made in the past two years would have been unfathomable to me 5 years ago. I think I had a narrow view of what my life should look like, and made decisions based on the little box of values and ideals that I had created for my life. If something was outside of the box, it was out of the question.
In the past two years, I've made some decisions that have taken me outside of the box. I've matured a lot, and the person I am is very different from who I thought I was. I'm still fundamentally the same- I love Jesus, I want to see His Kingdom advanced in the world, I'm seeking God's Will for my life, my theology is the same...but practically, these things are manifesting themselves in ways that I could never have thought of 4 years ago. I'm outside of the conservative evangelical box that I built for myself, and I think that God is teaching me a lot through being oustside of the box. During the years I lived "in the box", I thought I was a very analytical introvert. Surprise! I'm really more of an extrovert...although I am pretty analytical. I saw God as giving me very strict rules to live by...and I always felt like I never measured up. I understand His grace so much more now because I don't feel bound by the rules and behaviors that I thought I was supposed to have. I feel free...and I think that was His intention for me all along...it just took a peek outside of the box for me to see it.
There is a part of me that is afraid that those who knew me when I was inside the box will be disappointed that I have not followed the traditional "in the box" path. That because my life isn't centered around a church or full-time ministry...I will be seen as someone who has "fallen away". Because that is so far from the truth. I think I love God more now than I ever did before...simply because I have seen His hand in my life in so many ways and I've learned so much by just knowing Him and not trying to make my life look like the cookie-cutter single Christian girl. My idea of a perfect evening is sitting around with friends drinking wine on our deck (or in the kitchen in the winter), discussing life. Those friends may or may not share my spiritual beliefs. I like to discuss my beliefs with them, and listen as they share what they believe. That to me is more fulfilling these days than sitting around with women who believe the same thing that I do...patting each other on the back for believing what we do, and lamenting the sad state of the world. That last statement isn't meant to be offensive...it just describes some situations that I've found myself in and what I sometimes think is expected of me as a "single Christian woman".
I guess I just long to look to God for His approval, and not the approval of man. I believe that I am living my life the way He intends for me to...and I pray that I will continue to mature and be able to hold to that and have Him be my only concern.
Anyway...for those of you who stuck with this post- thanks! See, I guess I can use this blog to write cathartically even though I'm not anonymous!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thomas Point Park
It was a great idea to head down to Thomas Point last night. What a lovely place....surrounded by water and unbelievably peaceful. There were a few people fishing while I was there, but other than that it was just me. I sat on a bench and read the Word, journaled, and prayed. It truly was just what I needed to renew my spirit. And I got a nice 8 mile bike ride in. :)
Thomas Point Lighthouse from the Point
The Bay Bridge (which I am no longer ready to throw myself off of)
My view while I was reading
The Rocks
The South River
All in all, it was quite a refreshing time. I'm ready to ride down there with a picnic soon...
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Holy Week and Easter
For some reason, I tend to get homesick for SC every year around Easter. It's the only time of the year that I really get homesick for the state itself. I think part of it is usually that it's been a while since I've seen my family. I also miss the spring-like weather of SC. While it's 70 there in late March and the dogwoods are blooming, it's still 48 and windy here.
When I was growing up, Easter was always one of my favorite holidays. On Easter morning, the Easter bunny would leave a trail of chocolate eggs to my sweetgrass Easter basket filled with yummy and cute things. As I got older, the chocolate became Godiva and the gifts were always pampering things like make-up and perfume and jewelry. I would hunt for eggs in the backyard. We ate Easter dinner in the dining room with the Peter Rabbit china and the sterling silver. In high school, my friend Sallie and I would always trade Easter baskets. Holy week Episcopal church services and a glorious Easter morning service were always a part of the mix as well.
My first Easter in Annapolis snuck up on me quickly and steathily. I hadn't even thought about the fact that it was my first Easter (that I can remember) away from SC and my parents. I'm not sure what I expected, but I went to church, and with the exception of a breakfast and a cross-centered message, the service was no different from any other Sunday. It was also cold, rainy, and cloudy. I got so homesick and emotional during the service that I cried the whole way home! Thankfully, my cousins Claire and Jeff called about 5 minutes after I was home to tell me that Claire and her husband Aris were in Baltimore visiting Jeff and invited me up for the afternoon. I was so thankful for that invitation so I could spend some of my Easter with family!
The next year, I was asked/invited myself to sing at an Episcopal church in Annapolis. That was one of the best moves for me because even though I was away from my family, I had just seen my mom the week before and being at the service really felt like Easter to me. I didn't live at Maureen's house yet, but I went over there for Easter dinner. After that year, I resovled to spend Easter at an Episcopal church no matter what! Last year, I was singing there, and was still overcome by a bout of homesickness. I had not seen my family since Christmas (which was almost 4 months gone at that point) and I really missed them! I kept crying in the middle of the church service! Apparently, my mom was missing me too, so my Dad bought her a ticket to fly up and see me the next weekend.
This year, I think I have the emotions under control. :) I'm singing all of the Holy Week services at an Episcopal church, I saw my Dad a few weeks ago, and I'll be in SC next weekend. Too bad it's taken 4 years to figure out how to combat the homesickness. I suppose I could just plan to go to SC for Easter, but then I'd probably experience the same emotions I had this year at Christmas.
I love Holy Week services at an Episcopal church. Even though I have a different theological perspective than I did when I attended an Episcopal church, I like the reflective attitude that comes from the Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services. And I love the joyous music and attitude that permeates the Easter morning service. I do truly believe that we should celebrate Jesus' death and resurrection every day, but I also like having a day set apart each year to really celebrate it. It's like a birthday in a sense. We should be thankful for life every day, but it's nice to have a special day each year to celebrate our birth.
So, I'm looking forward to being in church the next 4 days...singing beautiful music in minor keys today and tomorrow....and listening to those keys changing to ethereal and strong major keys on Sunday. Hopefully, the minor keys will cause reflection, and the major keys celebration.
When I was growing up, Easter was always one of my favorite holidays. On Easter morning, the Easter bunny would leave a trail of chocolate eggs to my sweetgrass Easter basket filled with yummy and cute things. As I got older, the chocolate became Godiva and the gifts were always pampering things like make-up and perfume and jewelry. I would hunt for eggs in the backyard. We ate Easter dinner in the dining room with the Peter Rabbit china and the sterling silver. In high school, my friend Sallie and I would always trade Easter baskets. Holy week Episcopal church services and a glorious Easter morning service were always a part of the mix as well.
My first Easter in Annapolis snuck up on me quickly and steathily. I hadn't even thought about the fact that it was my first Easter (that I can remember) away from SC and my parents. I'm not sure what I expected, but I went to church, and with the exception of a breakfast and a cross-centered message, the service was no different from any other Sunday. It was also cold, rainy, and cloudy. I got so homesick and emotional during the service that I cried the whole way home! Thankfully, my cousins Claire and Jeff called about 5 minutes after I was home to tell me that Claire and her husband Aris were in Baltimore visiting Jeff and invited me up for the afternoon. I was so thankful for that invitation so I could spend some of my Easter with family!
The next year, I was asked/invited myself to sing at an Episcopal church in Annapolis. That was one of the best moves for me because even though I was away from my family, I had just seen my mom the week before and being at the service really felt like Easter to me. I didn't live at Maureen's house yet, but I went over there for Easter dinner. After that year, I resovled to spend Easter at an Episcopal church no matter what! Last year, I was singing there, and was still overcome by a bout of homesickness. I had not seen my family since Christmas (which was almost 4 months gone at that point) and I really missed them! I kept crying in the middle of the church service! Apparently, my mom was missing me too, so my Dad bought her a ticket to fly up and see me the next weekend.
This year, I think I have the emotions under control. :) I'm singing all of the Holy Week services at an Episcopal church, I saw my Dad a few weeks ago, and I'll be in SC next weekend. Too bad it's taken 4 years to figure out how to combat the homesickness. I suppose I could just plan to go to SC for Easter, but then I'd probably experience the same emotions I had this year at Christmas.
I love Holy Week services at an Episcopal church. Even though I have a different theological perspective than I did when I attended an Episcopal church, I like the reflective attitude that comes from the Maundy Thursday and Good Friday services. And I love the joyous music and attitude that permeates the Easter morning service. I do truly believe that we should celebrate Jesus' death and resurrection every day, but I also like having a day set apart each year to really celebrate it. It's like a birthday in a sense. We should be thankful for life every day, but it's nice to have a special day each year to celebrate our birth.
So, I'm looking forward to being in church the next 4 days...singing beautiful music in minor keys today and tomorrow....and listening to those keys changing to ethereal and strong major keys on Sunday. Hopefully, the minor keys will cause reflection, and the major keys celebration.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
A Conversation with my 16-year old Self
Sometimes I hear my 16-year old self talking to me. She’s whispering her hopes and dreams, her fears and her longings. Sometimes I have to set her straight about the reality of what the 29 year old she will become can actually accomplish. Few 29 year olds are millionaires or married to millionaires. :) Other times I can feel her joy when she looks at the life I’ve been able to build and the things with which I’ve been blessed.
I do often wonder what my former self would think of my life at this point. Like most teenagers, I had dreams of being wildly successful, married to an amazingly good-looking, kind and rich man, and somehow moving from my awkward stage to being drop-dead gorgeous. Clearly, I have not accomplished any of these dreams! Thankfully, my perspective has changed. I do think my 16 year old self would be pretty happy with where my life is today, though. Why? Well, here are a few reasons:
Confidence: As much as I tried to portray confidence as a 16 year old, I was unbelievably insecure. I think most people are to some extent, but I was pretty extreme. A tiny bit of the confidence I have now comes from maturing some, but most all of it comes from understanding who I am as a Child of God and a part of His Kingdom. I definitely didn’t understand that at 16, and I’m so thankful that I’m able to understand it now.
Location: From the time I was 10 or so I always loved the DC area. I visited Annapolis for the first time at 13, and I’ve loved it ever since. I never planned to end up where I am, but it’s been the perfect place so far. 16 year old Page would love being near the fast pace of the city, yet living a mile or so from the Chesapeake Bay. Most of the time, my life seems to be the perfect combination of fast-paced and laid-back all wrapped into one.
Friends: 16 year old Page struggled with friendships. I was so afraid of being hurt, that I never gave freely of my friendship and was afraid to take much in return. That was very limiting. As I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally, I’ve learned how to love my friends with abandon, regardless of their flaws and whether or not I think they will hurt me in the end. A lot of this goes back to confidence, as well. I have true and close friends in many places that I can count on for most anything.
Attitude: Somehow, I’ve turned back into a fairly positive person. I went through a negative and complaining stage from about 14-25…and I’ve slowly been moving back to the joyful, optimistic child that I was many moons ago. For a long time, I didn’t realize that this change was happening. People would refer to me as “positive”…and I would laugh. Truly, that turn about has only occurred by the grace of God!
Most often though, it’s the little things that cause my 16-year old self to smile. The things that go along with being a self-supporting, slightly successful single woman near a city (like the alliteration there? :) ) Things like taking a bubble bath at 11 PM with Ella Fitzgerald on my iPod, a good book in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. Or sitting on the sofa with my roommate laughing about nothing. Walking to chorus rehearsal in downtown Annapolis with a coffee in my hand and light snow falling. Having a fancy dinner out with my closest friends “just because”. These are the small things that I am thankful for, and that I think she would be pleased about. So even though I haven’t accomplished her wildest dreams, I am content. And contentment is what I think she longed for most.
I do often wonder what my former self would think of my life at this point. Like most teenagers, I had dreams of being wildly successful, married to an amazingly good-looking, kind and rich man, and somehow moving from my awkward stage to being drop-dead gorgeous. Clearly, I have not accomplished any of these dreams! Thankfully, my perspective has changed. I do think my 16 year old self would be pretty happy with where my life is today, though. Why? Well, here are a few reasons:
Confidence: As much as I tried to portray confidence as a 16 year old, I was unbelievably insecure. I think most people are to some extent, but I was pretty extreme. A tiny bit of the confidence I have now comes from maturing some, but most all of it comes from understanding who I am as a Child of God and a part of His Kingdom. I definitely didn’t understand that at 16, and I’m so thankful that I’m able to understand it now.
Location: From the time I was 10 or so I always loved the DC area. I visited Annapolis for the first time at 13, and I’ve loved it ever since. I never planned to end up where I am, but it’s been the perfect place so far. 16 year old Page would love being near the fast pace of the city, yet living a mile or so from the Chesapeake Bay. Most of the time, my life seems to be the perfect combination of fast-paced and laid-back all wrapped into one.
Friends: 16 year old Page struggled with friendships. I was so afraid of being hurt, that I never gave freely of my friendship and was afraid to take much in return. That was very limiting. As I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally, I’ve learned how to love my friends with abandon, regardless of their flaws and whether or not I think they will hurt me in the end. A lot of this goes back to confidence, as well. I have true and close friends in many places that I can count on for most anything.
Attitude: Somehow, I’ve turned back into a fairly positive person. I went through a negative and complaining stage from about 14-25…and I’ve slowly been moving back to the joyful, optimistic child that I was many moons ago. For a long time, I didn’t realize that this change was happening. People would refer to me as “positive”…and I would laugh. Truly, that turn about has only occurred by the grace of God!
Most often though, it’s the little things that cause my 16-year old self to smile. The things that go along with being a self-supporting, slightly successful single woman near a city (like the alliteration there? :) ) Things like taking a bubble bath at 11 PM with Ella Fitzgerald on my iPod, a good book in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. Or sitting on the sofa with my roommate laughing about nothing. Walking to chorus rehearsal in downtown Annapolis with a coffee in my hand and light snow falling. Having a fancy dinner out with my closest friends “just because”. These are the small things that I am thankful for, and that I think she would be pleased about. So even though I haven’t accomplished her wildest dreams, I am content. And contentment is what I think she longed for most.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Rerunning an important topic
Ok, so I was perusing my xanga site from this time last year, and found this blog. I think I have some new readers since then, so I thought I'd repost this since I liked it so much last year. I still feel exactly the same way, and this has been one of the thoughts running through my head recently.
But, at the same time, I know I shouldn't be so busy that I don't have time for God. And I struggle with that, too. Thankfully, I had some pretty good discipline knocked into my head about that in college, so I understand its importance. I also know that it's important to slow down sometimes. I have a habit of turning on the tv for background noise because I don't like silence. However, I've learned that silent times are when God speaks to me most, and I'm most able to discern my true thoughts on things. I think this is why one of my favorite times of the day is right before I go to sleep at night. It's silent, and I'm very in tune to my thoughts with no distractions (well...except for the cat trying to smother me).
Busyness
Ahh. Now that I have a few non-busy moments... I can write about busyness. :) On Tuesday, I was putting together a calendar to go on the refrigerator at our house. I realized that in order to plan events for the next few weeks, it would be good for us to have a "master" calendar, color-coded by person (I'm such a dork!), with all of our activities until after Christmas. As I was creating the calendar I saw how incredibly busy everyone in my house is. And the first emotion I felt was pride. "Look at how busy we are! Goodness, my roommates are such important people! And I'm an important person, too! We have so much to do at work, for Chorale, and socially. We're so popular! I bet other people want to be just like us!" And then I realized that I had fallen into the mindset of today's American Culture. The busier you are, the more important you are. And that is where you should find your significance.
I was glad that I realized the error of my mindset so quickly (I would have to attribute that to the Holy Spirit). Oftentimes, when I fall into this kind of mindset, it takes some kind of crash and burn event for me to realize that I'm in it.
I think that the idea of busyness=importance=significance is bred into us by today's society. It can start in youth sports... "You only play T-ball? Well, I play T-ball and soccer."...continue on into high school "The more extra curricular activities you have, the better college you're going to get into"...become magnified in college "Oh my goodness! I have 8 tests, 2 papers, a track meet, a sorority council meeting, a band concert, and I have to stand on my head for 2 hours! You only have 5 tests and 3 papers? Well, I guess I'm more important..." and is there through every stage of life. I've only listed the ones I've experienced and moved through so far.
College was when my eyes were really opened to this. Everyone was running around like crazy, stretched way too thin- a mile wide and an inch deep. And, everyone was always competing about who was busiest. I'm guessing that's because we find our significance in how busy we are. We want to find our significance somewhere, and a busy schedule is an easy place to find it, instead of our identity in Christ.
Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not saying it's necessarily wrong to be busy. This isn't a cheesy line about "Jesus is the reason for the season...don't be so busy that you forget about Him!" or anything like that. I like being busy. I always have. Not because I try to find my significance there (although I do struggle with that occasionally), but because I love living life at a fast pace. I need downtime occasionally, but for the most part I like to stay on the go. I think the key is what you are spending your time doing. If it's not something you enjoy, or something that brings glory to God, then maybe it's something that is done just for the sake of being busy. And, being busy is different when you have a family, too. I can stay really busy because I'm single. There is no one else who depends on me for my time. If I had a family right now, I know my life would look different, and it would be exactly how it should be...and busy in a different way.
But, at the same time, I know I shouldn't be so busy that I don't have time for God. And I struggle with that, too. Thankfully, I had some pretty good discipline knocked into my head about that in college, so I understand its importance. I also know that it's important to slow down sometimes. I have a habit of turning on the tv for background noise because I don't like silence. However, I've learned that silent times are when God speaks to me most, and I'm most able to discern my true thoughts on things. I think this is why one of my favorite times of the day is right before I go to sleep at night. It's silent, and I'm very in tune to my thoughts with no distractions (well...except for the cat trying to smother me).
After all that rambling, I think my basic thoughts for myself and others are these:
1. Don't try to find your significance in the importance of being busy
2. There is nothing inherently wrong with being busy if it's for the right reasons
3. Busy people need to slow down occasionally.
2. There is nothing inherently wrong with being busy if it's for the right reasons
3. Busy people need to slow down occasionally.
And on that note, I guess I need to get back to my busy life!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Reflecting
There are some things in life that cause me to look back and reflect on my past...where I am now, where I was, and where I might have been. Music, holidays, and annual traditions are some of the things that make me reflect on the past.
As many blogs as I've written trying to explain my love for/passion for/irresitable pull towards music (look back at the xanga archives if you feel like it), I can never quite capture it in words. Which makes sense when I realize that my connection to music is more emotional than anything else, and thus is difficult to describe in words. Anyway, when I hear a musical work or song that I've performed in the past, it always takes me back to that place. Last night, the Palestrina motet Sicut Cervus came up on my ipod. Until this fall, I hadn't sung this piece since we went to Italy in college. The first time I sang it again this year, it took me right back to our performance in St. Peters. I love the piece...partially because of the musical content, but also because of the words. It's a Latin version of Psalm 42...as the deer...beautiful words set to beautiful music...can we really ask for more than that? I was just struck by the way music can take me right back to another time.
Holidays and traditions do the same thing. I always think, "Last year at this time I...". Especially since college, I'm able to mark the holidays by what was going on that year. For example, my first year in Annapolis, first year in my new job, etc. Last year at this time, I had no idea that I would have a new job, or have finished a marathon by now. It's interesting to me to see what stays the same year to year, and what changes. It's kind of exciting...who knows what's in the Lord's plan for me next year?
Well, in just a few minutes I'm headed to SC for Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day, everyone!
As many blogs as I've written trying to explain my love for/passion for/irresitable pull towards music (look back at the xanga archives if you feel like it), I can never quite capture it in words. Which makes sense when I realize that my connection to music is more emotional than anything else, and thus is difficult to describe in words. Anyway, when I hear a musical work or song that I've performed in the past, it always takes me back to that place. Last night, the Palestrina motet Sicut Cervus came up on my ipod. Until this fall, I hadn't sung this piece since we went to Italy in college. The first time I sang it again this year, it took me right back to our performance in St. Peters. I love the piece...partially because of the musical content, but also because of the words. It's a Latin version of Psalm 42...as the deer...beautiful words set to beautiful music...can we really ask for more than that? I was just struck by the way music can take me right back to another time.
Holidays and traditions do the same thing. I always think, "Last year at this time I...". Especially since college, I'm able to mark the holidays by what was going on that year. For example, my first year in Annapolis, first year in my new job, etc. Last year at this time, I had no idea that I would have a new job, or have finished a marathon by now. It's interesting to me to see what stays the same year to year, and what changes. It's kind of exciting...who knows what's in the Lord's plan for me next year?
Well, in just a few minutes I'm headed to SC for Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day, everyone!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
A New Beginning
I'm hoping that if you read my xanga blog you have now found your way over here. After my last post about wanting to try out a new blogging platform, I just decided to try it. Switching is free, after all. We'll see if I can link to my xanga site somewhere as an archive.
What do you think of my new title? Clearly, it has two meanings. The first, and more superficial would be that this is a place...sort of like a book... that I write about my life. Simple, no?
The deeper meaning, that many of you probably get, is that because of the Blood of Christ, I believe my name has been written in the Book of Life. I didn't know much about the Book of Life until this fall when I participated in the music for the Jewish High Holy Days at a temple in Annapolis. I'm a bit sketchy on the theological details, but basically Judaism teaches that between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, a Jew's actions determine whether or not his/her name is written in the Book of Life. I know there is more to it...but that concept led me to explore the Book more fully in the New Testament. It's mentioned in Revelation, and is the place where the names of all who will be saved are written. So, as a Christian, I believe that Christ's death and resurrection purchased my salvation, and therefore, I am on a page in the Book of Life. It's a fascinating subject... I suggest doing a little research on it if you get a chance. So, although it's a serious subject, I thought I'd make a little play on words for fun.
All of that to say, "Welcome"! I hope to continue blogging more often. Ideally, more pictures will also follow.
What do you think of my new title? Clearly, it has two meanings. The first, and more superficial would be that this is a place...sort of like a book... that I write about my life. Simple, no?
The deeper meaning, that many of you probably get, is that because of the Blood of Christ, I believe my name has been written in the Book of Life. I didn't know much about the Book of Life until this fall when I participated in the music for the Jewish High Holy Days at a temple in Annapolis. I'm a bit sketchy on the theological details, but basically Judaism teaches that between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, a Jew's actions determine whether or not his/her name is written in the Book of Life. I know there is more to it...but that concept led me to explore the Book more fully in the New Testament. It's mentioned in Revelation, and is the place where the names of all who will be saved are written. So, as a Christian, I believe that Christ's death and resurrection purchased my salvation, and therefore, I am on a page in the Book of Life. It's a fascinating subject... I suggest doing a little research on it if you get a chance. So, although it's a serious subject, I thought I'd make a little play on words for fun.
All of that to say, "Welcome"! I hope to continue blogging more often. Ideally, more pictures will also follow.
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