**I find writing about this struggle to be very cathartic, and I hope what I share about my experiences will help others. To keep my thoughts organized, I've divided my posts on anxiety into a couple of categories. Otherwise, my posts would probably be rambling and go on forever! This is the first post, and is really just a recap of what I've experienced...my story, if you will.**
***Also, I'm not a healthcare professional and don't necessarily recommend or endorse any particular method of dealing with anxiety. My coping mechanisms work for me, but everyone's experience with anxiety is different. If you are struggling with anxiety, I recommend seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you find the strategies that work best for you.***
I have always tended to be an anxious person. I always thought of myself as a worrier, but let's face it...I am anxious. Things that I thought were wise and normal were really my anxious tendencies showing themselves. Like always worrying that I left the stove on, or the coffeepot on, or my curling iron on. Walking a mile away from my parked car and wondering if I locked it. Knowing that if I didn't go back and check, I wouldn't be able to focus and enjoy whatever I had parked for (dinner, a movie, a performance, etc). I know a lot of people who are similar to me in these ways, and those types of worries and anxieties are far from debilitating. Annoying maybe, but they rarely are serious enough to adversely affect your life.
A few months after I got married, I started noticing my worries change from these small, easily managed and resolved issues to bigger health related anxieties. I'd find a mole on my skin and be convinced it was "suspicious". When my heart rate would fluctuate, I'd be convinced I was having a heart attack. I'd have a headache and think that I had a brain tumor. These were all pretty irrational fears, but I just couldn't shake them. Even though I knew the possibility of me having a serious health issue like these was so tiny and remote, I just felt like there must be something seriously wrong that I was missing. I would pray about the worry, and try to tell myself "God is in control", but until the symptom or pain went away, or I had a doctor tell me I was fine, I was not able to move on from the worry. A few months after I started dealing with these thoughts, I made the wise decision to begin seeing a counselor. It was absolutely the best decision I could have made with regard to dealing with anxiety. At the time, what I was experiencing was not debilitating...but was mostly frustrating. I began seeing her in July of 2011. At the time, she asked if I wanted to go on medication. I was vehemently opposed to medication then...I saw it as a cop-out. I was convinced that I could handle the anxiety on my own. And for awhile, I did.
I looked for all sorts of reasons that I was "suddenly" experiencing anxiety...hormonal changes (I did have some evidence of this...weight gain, dark spots on my face, mood swings, etc), life changes, and stress. I had my thyroid checked and it came back normal. I did notice that my anxiety levels seemed to be tied to my menstrual cycle, but no doctor or my counselor could give me any real hormonal answer other than "it happens". I tried to reduce my stress levels, and find time in my days to relax. I didn't want to change my drastic life changes back (getting married, buying a house, changing cities), but I did start to try and process how they were affecting me.
I had a few more irrational health anxieties in the Fall of 2011 (mostly headaches that I was convinced meant a brain tumor again...now I know they are related to stress and clenching my jaw. Go figure. :)), and then around Christmas, in the midst of my choir's Christmas Concert, I had my first real panic/anxiety attack. It was really hot on the stage, and I was smack dab in the middle of the chorus of 180 people, with 800 people in the audience. I had a little bit of a headache going into the concert, and the heat made everything worse. During one of the orchestra pieces that we were sitting down for, I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and as I started thinking about how I was feeling...it got worse. Adrenaline surged, my heart raced, my blood pressure sky-rocketed...and I knew I couldn't stay on the stage. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and of course figured I was having a heart attack. When the chorus stood up to sing the next song, I quietly crouched down and scooted across the risers to get off the stage. I ran outside to get some cold air and managed to catch my breath. I went home and made the mistake of taking my blood pressure (I have unexplained high blood pressure and have been on meds for 8 years now...unexplained because I eat right, have low cholesterol, and exercise frequently). It was still really high, so I decided that the reason I had the reaction I did was that I was having blood pressure issues.
I still was convinced that there was something wrong with me physically that was causing the mental and physical anxiety. In December, my cardiologist put me on an additional medication that took awhile to adjust to, but seemed to be doing the trick at lowering my blood pressure...and thus my anxiety levels. I chalked the anxiety up to the blood pressure, and I was much better anxiety-wise from January through March. I actually even only saw my counselor once. I was convinced that I had kicked what I called the "Anxiety Habit". Ha ha.
Then, I had a pregnancy scare in early March. I say "scare" only because the blood pressure meds I was on at the time have lots of "DO NOT take this if you are pregnant" warnings...and we were not planning on getting pregnant. I would have been fine if I was...but knowing the meds I was on could be harmful to a baby, I was relieved that I wasn't. When I went back to my cardiologist in late March, I asked her for a different medication. While we were not trying to get pregnant...there is always a slight chance, and I didn't want to run the risk of being on the "bad" medication and end up pregnant.
3 days after I started taking the new medication, I had a panic attack in the middle of an online training I was conducting at work. Couldn't breathe, adrenaline, racing heart....but this time I quickly figured out what it was. I managed to take a quick break and then make it through the training, but I was shaken. I thought I had kicked the anxiety habit...so why was I having an unexplained, random anxiety/panic attack? I had a lot of anxiety that week, but decided it was due to my menstrual cycle. When I was still anxious a week later, I did some research on my new blood pressure meds. They were not recommended for people who struggle with depression. I wasn't depressed, but I know that anxiety and depression can be related. I called my cardiologist and talked with her, and explained what I'd been experiencing. She said that the meds shouldn't affect my anxiety, and to continue taking them and see how I felt.
So I continued on with my occasional health anxieties, taking my new blood pressure meds, and seeing my counselor for the next 2 months. Things weren't getting worse, but they weren't better either. My blood pressure seemed to be lowering though, so I contacted my cardiologist again about the meds and the anxiety. With my blood pressure lower, she suggested going off the second medication altogether, and sticking with the same med I had been taking for 8 years. I was happy with this, and thought I'd finally be rid of that darned anxiety! Again, ha ha.
I had 2 wonderful, anxiety free weekend days after I stopped taking the medication. And then, on Sunday night, I couldn't sleep. I would lay down, try to relax, and get this crazy adrenaline surge. I'd get up, read, and try again. Same thing. More adrenaline. I got myself so worked up that I didn't sleep all night, and was throwing up. I had a conference for work that week, and knew I needed to be functioning at my highest level, not experiencing full-on panic for hours on end. I saw both my counselor and my doctor, and my doctor gave me a short-term medication that I could take if I was having a panic attack. We discussed the possibility of going on a long-term medication, but I was convinced that the problem was now going OFF the blood pressure meds, and that I could handle the anxious thoughts on my own if I had medication for the panic attacks. My blood pressure was high at the time...but considering I had been in a panicked state for 2 days, that made sense.
I had one more "bad" anxiety day in June...not panic...but anxiety that felt more like depression. I think part of that day was looking at my life through the filter of anxiety...which made me sad. But at that point, I was pretty sure that I would need to go on a more long-term medication. I actually didn't have any more panic attacks, and only needed to take my short-term medication twice. When I went back to my doctor in July, we decided that I should go on a long-term medication. My blood pressure was still high, so she doubled my beta blocker blood pressure medication. After taking the double dose, I didn't sleep well, and the next day I was really dragging. And then, I got really anxious, and panicked...and I felt depressed about the anxiety. It felt like the world had just started spinning off its axis, and I couldn't even really get out of bed. This lasted for 3 days. I think some of it was the extra beta blocker, some of it the anxiety..and some of it just me. They were the hardest 3 days of my life. I wondered if I would ever be able to function normally again. I saw myself being hospitalized for anxiety...and even institutionalized. It was sad, and scary and hard. After talking to my doctor again, she stopped the double-dose of the beta blocker, and decided that we would deal with the anxiety first, and then take care of the blood pressure. I slowly started to feel better.
That was 2 months ago. As the long-term medication has kicked in for me, I've begun to feel much better. But I still have anxious times. And my anxious thoughts have been more serious. I've questioned the existence of God, I've wondered if I'm just going to continue to get worse and commit suicide, I've wondered if I'm living in some kind of alternate reality...and I've felt completely, and absolutely out of control. It's hard. But, the good news is that I'm much better physically, and I'm getting there mentally and spiritually. I have a "toolbox" of things that help me combat the anxiety. And 90% of the time...I'm back to my happy, adjusted, non-anxious self.
So what does my anxiety feel like? It's hard to describe. Physically, the panic feels like I am extremely nervous about something. The adrenaline, racing heart, short of breath feeling. Mentally and spiritually...it feels hopeless. Like it will never end. As if the world has suddenly become dark and bad, and will never be the same again. Like life will never be the same and isn't worth living. Like there is no God, and no happiness in the world. I'm convinced that J.K. Rowling must struggle with anxiety and panic attacks...because the best way I can describe it is like the description of the Dementor's kiss from Harry Potter. Like your soul is being sucked out...you'll never be happy again, all negative and sad thoughts, etc. For me, it doesn't usually last that long. Not more than a few minutes..to an hour or so. But when it is there...it's rough. I haven't experienced that type of panic in awhile and I am thankful for it.
So that is where I am. I'll keep writing...as I want to convey not just the story of my anxiety...but how it has affected me...both for good and the bad. For now though...thanks for listening!
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